Losing The Battle, But Focusing On The War...

Losing The Battle, But Focusing On The War...

I'm struggling for survival.

But I also know how lucky I am to have friends far and near who care so much as to come sit with me (Jessica Mckeown/Brian Labelle). A sister, Sandra Houle, to keep me close and to hold my heart in her hands as it breaks into a thousand pieces when I'm too weak to hold it myself.

An amazing and close friend across the world, Jahanzeb Jks, keeping me tethered to the world.

My adopted family, John Litwin/Heather Klein-Litwin/Christopher Ryan Blevins/Steven Judkins/Phoenix/Joe Bert Oliver/Casey Shepard, who pull close even when I push as hard as I can to keep them away.

Employers, Denise Kapulka Cariglia and at my other job as well, that have expressed kindness and concern. Who have shown understanding and gentle kindness while I fight my way through the darkness in search of the light.

A mother, who tells me over and over that she loves me no matter what, even when I've gone down a path so divergent from her own. And when I work to hide the harshest moments to shield her from my darkness she still reaches into the darkness to hold me close.

I've found refuge in the Blues at venues I've just started to discover after more than a decade here in New England. Places that bring talented artists close enough to travel to, places to breathe again.

Bull Run https://www.facebook.com/bullrunrestaurant/

Chans Eggroll and Jazz https://www.facebook.com/Chans-Egg-Rolls-and-Jazz-181466262077/

Iron Horse https://www.facebook.com/IHEGMUSIC/

Mohegan Sun https://www.facebook.com/mohegansun/

Grog Restaurant http://www.thegrog.com/

House of Blues https://www.facebook.com/HOBBoston/

City Winery https://www.facebook.com/citywinerybos/

And more....

When I tell people my heart lives in the Blues, I don't think they always understand just how intensely I mean those words. The music has given me a sword and a shield to fight with. It has rescued me, in the most literal of terms, when I've begun to take that final plunge into Darkness. It was BB King to start and many more along the way but his was the first and most intense rescue. And the next who quite literally threw me a rope even when they didn't know they were doing it was Nick Moss and his band with Dennis Gruenling. And have shown such kindness to allow me a chance to talk with them in ways that I never thought possible.

It's with this love and music and kindness that I'm clinging to in the storm as my battlements, my walls, my bunkers and decades of protections are violently striped away in a raging category 47 hurricane in the pitch darkness. So violent that even my ropes of last resort have begun to fray while holding me from being pulled all the way into my darkness where my demons flourish and pull the hardest to win their prize of a soul to be totally split into multiple trophies of agony and internal war that was finally lost.

I've said it before...I've no worries of death from old age, diabetes, weight, cancers, accidents. My only fear is that my demons will overcome me totally.

I fully expect that some day my cause of death will be none of the above except a final and epic loss of not a battle but a war waged by my own body against my heart and soul.

Until then, and with the kindness and music, I'm going to continue to fight for survival and that even amongst the wreckage I'll try to rebuild. It's not pretty and may be hurtful to those I care about most as my battle raged and my judgments warped into hurtful actions. But they keep coming back. I honestly don't know why, but I love them for it.

I may not play an instrument or be able to sing, but I've always thought of myself as a Blues man...even though I was not always sure. A true Blues Man put out his hand and showed me, told me, that I am. And it's a title I take proudly.

I'm having a moment of calm by virtue of my family and friends. But this battle is far from over.

Slipping Into Darkness...

Slipping Into Darkness...

Ok. I know I've shared a lot in the past. I know I've bared my soul at times. And I know there's a great deal of love and support aimed my way.


I'm struggling right now. I'm on the edge. Music has been pulling me back from that edge. But I'm the closest I've been in nearly 15 years.

Things are not going well at work. Things are not going well financially. I'm scared that my weight loss is going to be a failure in the end. I'm terrified that at the end of the weight loss I'll still be in the six different kinds of emotional pain that I live with to varying degrees from day to day. And I'm lonely. Painfully so. But I'm also so very frightened of putting myself out there and being rejected. I honestly don't know if I could take that.

I've said more than once that the Blues will carry me through and the stars shall carry me home. Right now I'm clinging to the music like a raft in a hurricane. Some days I'm in that calm center, and able to hide it. Some days not so much.

I've been coming home and crying in the evenings. It could have been a good day but then I come home and it all just lands on my head again. I try to keep myself distracted and out doing things. I'm trying so hard to keep the walls in place not to hide, but to protect myself from the storm.

I'm not hiding. I'm not.

I'm in survival mode just trying to hold on. It's not the normal bipolar nosedives that I can see and recognize. This is something...something more. It's all I can do to get out of bed each day. I'm not making it through shifts at work without crying one or two times a day. Hiding in the mens room or in my car at lunch just praying no one sees or hears me.

The walls holding out the storm are rattling and breaking against the storm threatening to come over and through them like tissue paper in a flood.

At times I'm able to make the jokes, make the effort for the outside image. But inside I'm dying a little at a time with the energy draining out of me. My emotions coming out in geysers of pain or anger and rage or silence. My patience for the world is on edge. But the walls and the jokes and the smiles are all fake. As artificial as a mannequin in a wax museum. Practiced and forced.

I can't remember the last time in 15 years that I've struggled like this.

15 years ago I had a plan. I'd made the preparations. I was hours away. And the Blues stepped in and gave me shelter in the storm. B.B. King literally saved my life. It hurt so badly when he passed. It was like my musical protector was gone in a way.

This past Friday I was set to come home. To not go to the concert I'd bought tickets to. But I went anyway at the insistence of a friend. I listened to not just a fantastic concert, but to guys who understand the emotion and true connection of the Blues to the soul. And I got to meet them. They'd put the first REAL smile on my face for the first time in probably two or three months. And I had a chance to tell them. I was absolutely shaking telling them. And they embraced what I was explaining and took the time to talk with me. Not only then, but online later the next day. I was able to further explain that they'd saved my life that night. Truly. At that point another of the band reached out to ME to talk more. The kindness and care they put forth...I just can't put into words.

Guys this is what music is meant to do. To save us, to pull us not just back but together. These guys who showed up to a small venue to do a show and help some people have a good time while they put their souls into their music...they reached out and pulled me back. And win or lose, I'm so glad I had the chance to tell them what it meant to me. And ever so grateful of the time and care they gave to take the time to talk with me that night and the next day in their precious personal time in a busy life.

I'm not on that very very close edge, because of them. The Nick Moss Band with Dennis Gruenling are not just phenomenal musicians and artists. They are true Blues Men. And they were my life saver on Friday.

But while they helped pull me back just enough and gave me a bit of shelter in the storm, I'm still struggling more than I have in years.

I'm not 100% sure why I'm writing or sharing this bit of me right now other than to say, if I'm distant or cold or angry or impatient or closed off and antisocial or if the jokes are coming too fast and too off key or out of the norm...just know that I'm in a desperate fight right now and my normal reactions are not stable. My normal actions are no where to be found at the moment.

I don't know where this will lead or land, I don't know what the outcome will be, but I'm using my last bit of fight right now. It's taking every last ounce of me to fight and to shelter my broken soul from the raging storm. I'm in nothing more than survival mode.

My whole life I've felt like an outsider to the world, even when surrounded by people who are part of my community and who by all accounts are in the world I belong in...somehow I still don't feel like I belong. I feel like I'm wasting time trying to figure out how to actually live, like I've wasted nearly half my life just trying to stand up and have yet to figure out how to walk. I've said it before in jest but being a liberal gay overweight atheist I've always felt out of step with life around me. I know that none of us fit in a single "box" in life...but I don't feel like I belong in a single one at all or even belong sitting next to one. And for many years I had it reinforced that I don't belong. Years where everyone else seemed to learn how to belong or at least obtained an idea of a direction to head in. Years that were supposed to prepare me with at least some foundation to build on. Instead I'm stuck on sand. Sand in a storm.

I have people who try to tell me religion is the answer, to be a rock upon which to build. But I can't pin my life, my survival, on myths and legends born of ancient stories and maintained for the preservation of power and control over people. I have to build it on something real. But I don't even know what to build.

I'm standing on the outside and I've no idea how to get in. I'm screaming helplessly and drowned out by the storm. I know there's supposed to be some point to it all that there's supposedly some way to bring purpose and meaning to life or at the least to those around us. But I don't even know where to start.

So if you see me at more live music or see me stand off more...I'm clinging to the music as tightly as I can...just hoping the Blues will continue to carry me through before the stars carry me home. I'm fighting oh so hard to just maintain. I just hope that if I find my way through this that there will still be people around that, for reasons that escape me, will want me around...wreckage and all.


Finding My Place...And My Sexuality.

Finding My Place...And My Sexuality.

Be it part self confidence from weight loss, part gaining mobility, and part chemistry. No one really tells you. 

For a while there I just assumed it was only me. But I’ve talked to more than a few who have confirmed that I am VERY MUCH not alone. 

But lets back up a bit here...

A place where I am me without shame...

A place where I am me without shame...

I'm so happy I could cry.

It's because of where I am.

The community. The atmosphere.

This place where my heart is free and open.

Where my soul can spread it's wings without judgement or fear.

A place where I can breathe.

This place of love and welcome.

Where the chaos and hate is a world away.

This place where I belong and feel at ease.

I've found my home and where my tribe exists in harmony.

I'm thankful for the friends who have helped me be me. And who have helped me find my place in this world.  


This place I where belong...


Broken in the Dark

Broken in the Dark

However…I did get some news that I wasn’t expecting. I wasn’t sure I wanted to share this, but I think it’s important to know the effects of bullying and the long term effects of it not just physically but mentally.

Sorting through the pain and anger...

Sorting through the pain and anger...


It takes a lot for me to truly let someone close enough to see the messed up hell behind my forty foot tall thirty foot thick walls.

The only gate long since rusted shut with salty tears and white hot agony.

The only signs of damage being the scars on the outside of the walls from the times of pain so great it nearly cracks and shatters the wall into a flood of anger and sadness and loneliness that would surely wipe away any in its path of ultimate self destruction.

There is a great facade that stands in front of this wall. Well practiced and placed. I can even tell jokes and laugh and smile while I'm crying and screaming in agony inside. It's a disturbing duality to live with.

No...live isn't right. Survive. That's more accurate. A daily battle for survival. Some days easier, most not.

There are a few who have managed to see behind this wall in glimpses and glances. Peering through the self sealing cracks just long enough before everything is closed back up.

Taking these people into my confidence and trust is a rare and serious thing. To trust those with love and a hope for mutual love and respect is a gravely serious matter.

That I let them look at those scars and hear the wails of pain and damage inside means I trust them completely and in a very intimate way. I trust that they will love me and support me back. I trust that whenever there is a chance to help make my life better, to ensure my dignity and safety, that they will be there standing with me. Not running to the other side and back hoping I won't notice or I'll maintain a blind eye.

In return my loyalty becomes absolute and fierce.

Once that trust has been violated...the support withdrawn at personal and public moments of distinction...once those betrayals have washed over nearly every last ounce of forgiveness and strength to look past...

What is left is simply another scar on the wall. A lost companion in search of peace. A lost avenue for love trust and support. A lost trust and a lost loyalty.

While a friendship might remain, it's no longer what it once was. It is now held with someone on the outside trying to see through the facade without a means of ever getting through again to even see the visage of scars on the walls. Never to know when I need or needed them most.

That trust of support in all parts of life that matter...the heart mind soul and human rights. Once violated and forgiven, violated and forgiven, violated and forgiven, violated and forgiven...the loyalty fails and the trust has been used up.

It all becomes one great new and horrific scar across the blackened and burning landscape inside the walls of shame and fear.

To violate a trust to such a degree simply ends with resolute finality the intimate and frequent friendship and companionship. Leaving casual friendship the only survivable option for me. And it will have to be enough. Because I can't bear the pain of living it again.


My Whale Watch Tour!

My Whale Watch Tour!


I finally got the video from my whale watch. It was such a great experience.

Thanks to the Dolphin Fleet and In The Wild Productions for making this video available for purchase by those of us on the tour. 

This was the single best watch I've ever been on! So much activity, and no sea sickness lol

Plus this video is proof that the sun does sometimes come out when you're on the cape. 

Take a look at those shots back towards town. It just makes me want to live there even more so. 

Who wouldn't want to live there?!

Life Changes And Upgrades, Some Assembly Required...

Life Changes And Upgrades, Some Assembly Required...

I spent about an hour standing on the shore line right at the edge of the water today.

Some goals and decisions made. Perspective on those goals and acceptance of the challenges of meeting those goals, and of the unexpected, acknowledged.

Timeliness decided. 3.5 years to goal.

Tasks to be done.

I feel more centered with a long term goal in focus instead of just killing time not really doing anything.

It's time to get off my ass and work at this with full force.

There will be setbacks. There will be challenges too great to meet the first second or third time around but they must be met no matter how many attempts it takes.

I know where I need to be. And I have the beginnings of a plan on how to get there. It's a start. And I'm good with that.

I know that I need to be in a town and a community where I truly feel comfortable being me. Where I don't have the hesitation to just do "me". Knowing the eccentricities are not frowned upon, but accepted as just being who you are and respected. Knowing that I can just move about as I want to move without constant self censorship. 

It's going to take support and understanding and love of my family and friends to get me there. To keep me honest and to help me stay the course.

I've got to make some hard short term choices and decisions. There are major changes coming in that aspect. I've got to get through my surgery and on the other side of that. And I've got to restabilize my financial situation to become both fully self sufficient again and to truly begin building my core to both sustain me and help me make the changes to begin with. 

I'm up for the challenge and I hope they are too.

No more excuses. No more time wasted.

Now is the time of change and challenge in my life. 10 years later and it's time to take the next big leap of faith.

#DoOrDoNotThereIsNoTry #ProvincetownOrBust

Proof that protest songs have a place in every age that houses injustice and violence.

Proof that protest songs have a place in every age that houses injustice and violence.

Below is a list of songs that I think match my mood right now. 

I hope that you will join me in a moment of timeless stance against injustice and hate.

I'll start with one of my nearest and dearest favorites. It speaks to the ongoing struggles of people everywhere fighting to survive and to be treated fairly and just. 

This Sam Cooke penned 1964 release was taken up by the Civil Rights Movement and was an optimistic expression of the desire to end segregation and prejudice. 

Pete Seeger wrote this song, adapting the lyrics from passages in the Book of Ecclesiastes in the Bib2le. He recorded it in 1962, helping to cement his place as one of the greatest exponents of the protest song. The words state that there is a time for everything, including peace. The folk rock band, The Byrds, enjoyed the most commercial success with their cover version in 1965.

Bob Dylan’s most famous composition from 1963.  This is a fine example of a song that can be applied to different situations as it is non-specific and not tied in to any particular conflict.  It’s a universal plea for the human race to learn from its mistakes and a call to freedom. This song is a rallying call for anti-war protesters everywhere. It’s been covered numerous times, with versions from Peter, Paul and Mary, Bobby Darin, Elvis Presley and Neil Young.

The more things change the more they stay the same. The topic may have changed but the issue has stayed the same.

If you can't listen to this classic. Then here. Read the lyrics.

There's something happening here
What it is ain't exactly clear
There's a man with a gun over there
Telling me I got to beware

I think it's time we stop, children, what's that sound
Everybody look what's going down

There's battle lines being drawn
Nobody's right if everybody's wrong
Young people speaking their minds
Getting so much resistance from behind

It's time we stop, hey, what's that sound
Everybody look what's going down

What a field-day for the heat
A thousand people in the street
Singing songs and carrying signs
Mostly say, hooray for our side

It's s time we stop, hey, what's that sound
Everybody look what's going down

Paranoia strikes deep
Into your life it will creep
It starts when you're always afraid
You step out of line, the man come and take you away

We better stop, hey, what's that sound
Everybody look what's going down
Stop, hey, what's that sound
Everybody look what's going down
Stop, now, what's that sound
Everybody look what's going down
Stop, children, what's that sound
Everybody look what's going down

Income inequality is at an all time high with the government breaking the backs of everyone else to serve the rich.

Standing firm in history, once again we are called upon as a nation to stand up for the rights and safety of one another. 

Sadly it's not just in the south... and it's not just black bodies hanging from the trees. From the beaten and murdered, of the minorities still struggling along today and those who are still being cut down for who they are....were.

An updated cover...

The Blues Shall Carry Me Through and The Stars Shall Carry Me Home.

The Blues Shall Carry Me Through and The Stars Shall Carry Me Home.

As I sit and read and I watch how we as a nation seem to try to find ever new and cruel ways to categorize, stigmatize, and marginalize one another...

I'm given to a thought that I think my truly religious friends may be able to relate to. A sentiment that I surely can relate to even as an atheist.

It was spoken by my hero, my personal soul soundtrack performer, by my friend in fandom, by a man so touched and blessed with fame and talent but that was always remained humble and kind, B.B. King.

"...don't you know, that when God looks down on the world and sees how we treat each other he gets a BAD case of the blues..."


Vacation, a much needed break from life...

Vacation, a much needed break from life...

I had the chance to take a much needed escape from reality for a week. I had the chance to visit Disney and Universal and even more so to visit with good friends. 

I'm not sure I realized just how badly I needed this break after the last month or so of melancholy that has been dragging me down. 

I could have easily spent an entire day in the Wizarding World segments of Universal Studios and Universal Adventure Islands. But I also had the pleasure seeing an unexpected live Blues Brothers performance. 

Disney was all it has lived up to be each and every time. 

I hope that I can make this a trip that happens more often than less...

Check out my photos!

But what do you do when your good dreams are their own nightmares?

Ned Vizzini

“I didn't want to wake up. I was having a much better time asleep. And that's really sad. It was almost like a reverse nightmare, like when you wake up from a nightmare you're so relieved. I woke up into a nightmare.”

― Ned Vizzini, It's Kind of a Funny Story

Family Can Be Found Anywhere. Family Can Save You From Yourself. Family Can Find The Good In You And Make You See It Yourself.



To all my New England Family! You continue to love and support me. You've helped me make this my home and made me feel like I belong and am wanted and loved. You ARE my family and you keep me going even when I don’t have the desire or energy to do so.

To all of my East TN Family! You’ve known me all my life. You’ve loved me and supported me through some of the hardest and darkest times in my life. Without you I’d have never made it this far. You ARE my family and you mean the world to me.

To all of my Online Family! We may never have met in person. We may never have spoken over the phone. We may have only shared texts and emails and photographs. But it was through those photographs and the sharing and kindness and humor and raw honesty of letting others see inside your lives… It was through that that I was able to expand and live beyond what felt like isolation and a lack of hope. You have helped open my eyes to the world, you’ve continued to let me in and to let me share with you.You’ve allowed me to bare my soul and, on occasion, allowed me to take down the walls and let someone in from a safe distance. And you didn’t judge or shame me, you welcomed me and embraced me. You ARE my family and I will forever be grateful for allowing me to travel your world when I couldn’t leave mine.

I’m just so out of life...

I'm just so tired.
I'm tired of the anxiety
I'm tired of the depression and loss of hope.
I'm tired of being reminded of the dreams I've long since given up on.
I'm tired of trying and trying to be hopeful and looking for the best and little things in life that make others happy yet leaves me in pain.
I'm tired of feeling like I'm making some sort of progress and falling flat on my face over and over.
I'm tired of trying to learn the lessons of life only to have them be of no use the rest of my life.
I'm tired of waking up and existing in pain.
I'm tired of going to sleep for peace and being chased by nightmares or dreams of happiness only to wake up and feel my soul get crushed more and more by reality.
I'm tired of seeing happiness for others and realizing it's something that's not part of my life.
I'm tired of thinking about everything every moment of the day.
I'm tired of being my own worst enemy and disappointing and hurting those around me who care and love me.
I'm tired of trying to figure out WHY people around me like me and love me.
I'm tired of feeling suspicious of kindness.
I'm tired of wishing I could find a way out that doesn't hurt the people I care about.
I'm tired of breathing and struggling to hold onto sanity to avoid causing discomfort to others when I continue to fall apart.
I’m tired of feeling worthless and knowing it’s true.
I'm tired of taking 1 step forward and 7 steps back no matter what I do.
I'm tired of being a burden.
I'm tired of being a source of concern and pain.
I'm tired of being me.
I'm tired of being awake.
I'm tired of continually failing at the most basic tasks of life.
I'm tired of pretending that I'm ok when everyday my heart is in agony and spending all of my energy holding the walls in place to hide the pain, shame, self loathing, and fear.
I'm tired of hiding it all behind facades of smiles and jokes, and practiced smiles and laughter.
I'm tired of being one person on the outside and a shattered soul on the inside.
I'm tired of being told I'm a disgrace as a gay man, as a man, as a non religious man.
I'm tired of not feeling like I'm the man I was meant to be.
I'm tired of feeling like I am constantly failing to meet the hopes and dreams my family had for me.
I'm tired of being a source of pain.
I'm tired of being alone, and knowing I'm supposed to be alone.
I'm tired of feeling like I'll never be enough, never be good enough, not feeling that
I can reach for love or companionship because I know that allowing someone that close will only hurt them and that when they leave it will destroy me.
I'm tired of wishing for love but wishing it would never come because I don't want to hurt someone/anyone.
I'm tired of knowing that my life has reached its peak and that nothing more is there.
I'm tired of failing.
I'm tired of crying.
I'm tired of losing.
I'm tired of dying.
I'm tired of waiting.
I'm tired of wounding.
I'm tired of causing guilt wherever I go.
I'm tired of feeling guilty about everything.
I'm tired of being happy for my friends who have found love while I'm also secretly hating them for having what I'll never have.
I'm tired of knowing the things I'll never have.
I'm just so very tired.
I just need peace.
I just need an ending.
I just need a moment of easy breath.
I just need a moment of self kindness that doesn't rip me apart the instant I think I might have found it.
Surely this much anguish and pain and exhaustion must have a stopping point.
Surely there must be a moment when the bottom of the deepest black hole my soul lives in will have a bottom where a person can stop sinking.
Surely I can find the courage to end the exhaustion.
Surely there's a way to find peace without shattering the peace around me.
A soul so shattered and damaged.
A soul so destroyed that hope is a four letter word.
A soul where love is a cruel joke laced with life is dripping with acid.
I'm just so tired and the fight is quickly leaving me.
I'm just so tired....

That Man With Insight Of The Ages...

It's that time of year for me, that time when my unquiet heart and melancholy spirit join up and take bets on which one can drive me nearest if not over the edge first.

I spend much of my life really quite lonely. I've good friends and family who love me and whom I love very much, but still I seem to live the lonely side of life. Even when I'm amongst friends and laughing I quite often feel the most alone. And truly, the saddest.

It's an interesting mix to live with to be sure, and not one I always want to live with. I've gone for more years than I can remember, probably since ages 13 or 14, with a single thought that has, without fail, crossed my mind at least once if not more than once a day as a companion on a life long journey that just doesn't quite know how to shut tha frakk up or pick their moments better. The professionals call it "suicidal ideation", a delightfully clinical term that basically means that at least once a day I think to myself, "wouldn't it be nice to stop now?"

In reading a story from someone whom I admire a great deal and who has the same general shadow following his life as well, made a rather brilliant and educated connection that has eluded me until now. Shakespeare really was a brilliant soul with understanding beyond the ages for someone of his time.

I had read Hamlet in school, and after a few times also, but until recently I'd not made the connection of one of the soliloquies to my own life. I can't remember when, probably at some point in the last 2 or 3 years I made that connection. And it still stands true to me now.

That "shadow thought, companion" of mine for all these years as simply been a conversation I've been having with myself on repeat...  To be, or not to be....


"To be, or not to be--that is the question:

Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer

The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune

Or to take arms against a sea of troubles

And by opposing end them. To die, to sleep--No more--and by a sleep to say we end

The heartache, and the thousand natural shocks

That flesh is heir to. 'Tis a consummation, Devoutly to be wished. To die, to sleep--To sleep--perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub,

For in that sleep of death what dreams may come

When we have shuffled off this mortal coil, Must give us pause.

There's the respect

That makes calamity of so long life.

For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,

Th' oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely

The pangs of despised love, the law's delay,

The insolence of office, and the spurns

That patient merit of th' unworthy takes,

When he himself might his quietus make

With a bare bodkin?

Who would fardels bear,

To grunt and sweat under a weary life,

But that the dread of something after death,

The undiscovered country, from whose bourn.

No traveller returns, puzzles the will,

And makes us rather bear those ills we have Than fly to others that we know not of?

Thus conscience does make cowards of us all,

And thus the native hue of resolution

Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,

And enterprise of great pitch and moment

With this regard their currents turn awry

And lose the name of action."

Something to read very closely and ponder. I suspect it will reach more than it bewilders. And if so I simply say I thank you for your love and for your kindness, for your patience and your peace, for your caring and your time.


Anxiety, Depression, and Bankruptcy

So I've just sat down and put the bare bones of next years budget together. Normally I've this done and a final* budget in place by July the previous year. But with my finances being such a shit show I've been putting it off further and further. Today it had to be done, at least to account for January.

And it is a completely and totally bleak black hole of failure. At this stage if I'm NOT allowed to file for bankruptcy, then I've no idea how I'm going to survive. There just isn't enough money to go around. And I fully expect National Grid to try and raise my budget plan amount again. I'm already paying $232.00 a month!

I just hope there are no major issues with the bankruptcy because, aside from loving my car, I need a reliable car that is safe and I fit in properly. I'm terrified that they will try to repo the car or something.

I've walked myself straight into a minefield with no map to get me safely back out.

So now I sit here nauseous, hungry, a headache, severely discouraged, and with no desire to do anything. I barely get out of bed most days, and then only because I have to in order to go to work or if I have to make a nature call. Anything other than that and it takes everything I have to get up. Even getting up for work is getting more and more difficult despite having no choice with it.

I keep trying to hold onto the little things and keep moving one step at a time, but it's getting harder and harder to take those steps, like I'm walking in quicksand that is swallowing up my legs and hope faster and faster...

I'm trapped, and so covered in guilt and shame that there's nothing I can do about it.



The Science of Beauty

I've just finished watching the new Cosmos series. The beauty of science, of the world around us, of the known and unknown, of the imagined and realized, of the visible and invisible, of the vast tapestry that is the universe and galaxy... I am awestruck and given to the emotional results. Such great beauty brings joy and hope to my heart, fascination to my mind and soul, and a tear to my eye. That we spend so much energy on hate, fear and destruction and not on learning and reaching for the stars, simply breaks my heart. Yet it is healed when I see so many working for the betterment of our species and planet.

We are standing in at a wonderful precipice, one we dare not turn our backs and walk away from.

We stand on the shoulders of giants and luminaries who have set the path and laid the foundations that guide our life today from all those hundreds and thousands of years before. We are ever evolving and learning still the wonders and beauty of what we have accomplished and what has yet to come.

We as a species are limitless in our possibilities if only we dare not get distracted by hate and by greed. We are not American or Chinese or Kurdish or Indian, we are humans and this is our home, we are humans and our knowledge and curiosity are a gift and a calling. A calling to do that which is hard because it is worthy and we are up to the task.

Such beauty and wonder demands and deserves it. I defy anyone to look to the heavens and not see the beauty of our place in the galaxy. I defy anyone who truly thinks for themselves and strives to learn to not feel those emotional pangs of awe and yearning to know more and go farther.

A tear to an eye from the beauty of science is a great gift that shall forever propel us further and higher than we've ever been before.

I love you all, and am gratified that I get to share this life and this world with you.

In the words of such a visionary I share...

"There is no strife, no prejudice, no national conflict in outer space as yet. Its hazards are hostile to us all. Its conquest deserves the best of all mankind, and its opportunity for peaceful cooperation many never come again. But why, some say, the moon? Why choose this as our goal? And they may well ask why climb the highest mountain? Why, 35 years ago, fly the Atlantic? Why does Rice play Texas?

We choose to go to the moon. We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other things, not because they are easy, but because they are hard, because that goal will serve to organize and measure the best of our energies and skills, because that challenge is one that we are willing to accept, one we are unwilling to postpone, and one which we intend to win, and the others, too."

President John F. Kennedy, September 12, 1962, at Rice University, Houston, Texas

History, It Surrounds Us....

Ok, this has been a very emotional day for me. I started it out by weeping with joy, and a flood of other emotions when it was announced that I am no longer a second class citizen in my country. And started again when a law that tried to force second class citizenship upon an entire state fell to the bells of freedom. I've never really thought that I'd get married, though it's not an unpleasantflight of fancy to dream about, but today in having my government stand up and say that I am welcome and invited to be a full citizen amongst a society built on freedom... I wept... When I heard that dear woman, Edith Windsor, surmise that her late wife would have said "you did it, honey" I wept...

We've still a VERY long way to go, but we've taken a huge step forward today, not as an LGBT community, but as an American Comumunity. As a people who live our lives in a land that was built on freedom for all and that all things under the law be equal.

So I'm gonna stand up here and say, My name is Alexander, I'm gay, and I am a full and equal citizen of the greatest nation, The United States of America!!