However…I did get some news that I wasn’t expecting. I wasn’t sure I wanted to share this, but I think it’s important to know the effects of bullying and the long term effects of it not just physically but mentally.
However…I did get some news that I wasn’t expecting. I wasn’t sure I wanted to share this, but I think it’s important to know the effects of bullying and the long term effects of it not just physically but mentally.
It takes a lot for me to truly let someone close enough to see the messed up hell behind my forty foot tall thirty foot thick walls.
The only gate long since rusted shut with salty tears and white hot agony.
The only signs of damage being the scars on the outside of the walls from the times of pain so great it nearly cracks and shatters the wall into a flood of anger and sadness and loneliness that would surely wipe away any in its path of ultimate self destruction.
There is a great facade that stands in front of this wall. Well practiced and placed. I can even tell jokes and laugh and smile while I'm crying and screaming in agony inside. It's a disturbing duality to live with.
No...live isn't right. Survive. That's more accurate. A daily battle for survival. Some days easier, most not.
There are a few who have managed to see behind this wall in glimpses and glances. Peering through the self sealing cracks just long enough before everything is closed back up.
Taking these people into my confidence and trust is a rare and serious thing. To trust those with love and a hope for mutual love and respect is a gravely serious matter.
That I let them look at those scars and hear the wails of pain and damage inside means I trust them completely and in a very intimate way. I trust that they will love me and support me back. I trust that whenever there is a chance to help make my life better, to ensure my dignity and safety, that they will be there standing with me. Not running to the other side and back hoping I won't notice or I'll maintain a blind eye.
In return my loyalty becomes absolute and fierce.
Once that trust has been violated...the support withdrawn at personal and public moments of distinction...once those betrayals have washed over nearly every last ounce of forgiveness and strength to look past...
What is left is simply another scar on the wall. A lost companion in search of peace. A lost avenue for love trust and support. A lost trust and a lost loyalty.
While a friendship might remain, it's no longer what it once was. It is now held with someone on the outside trying to see through the facade without a means of ever getting through again to even see the visage of scars on the walls. Never to know when I need or needed them most.
That trust of support in all parts of life that matter...the heart mind soul and human rights. Once violated and forgiven, violated and forgiven, violated and forgiven, violated and forgiven...the loyalty fails and the trust has been used up.
It all becomes one great new and horrific scar across the blackened and burning landscape inside the walls of shame and fear.
To violate a trust to such a degree simply ends with resolute finality the intimate and frequent friendship and companionship. Leaving casual friendship the only survivable option for me. And it will have to be enough. Because I can't bear the pain of living it again.
I finally got the video from my whale watch. It was such a great experience.
Thanks to the Dolphin Fleet and In The Wild Productions for making this video available for purchase by those of us on the tour.
This was the single best watch I've ever been on! So much activity, and no sea sickness lol
Plus this video is proof that the sun does sometimes come out when you're on the cape.
Take a look at those shots back towards town. It just makes me want to live there even more so.
Who wouldn't want to live there?!
I spent about an hour standing on the shore line right at the edge of the water today.
Some goals and decisions made. Perspective on those goals and acceptance of the challenges of meeting those goals, and of the unexpected, acknowledged.
Timeliness decided. 3.5 years to goal.
Tasks to be done.
I feel more centered with a long term goal in focus instead of just killing time not really doing anything.
It's time to get off my ass and work at this with full force.
There will be setbacks. There will be challenges too great to meet the first second or third time around but they must be met no matter how many attempts it takes.
I know where I need to be. And I have the beginnings of a plan on how to get there. It's a start. And I'm good with that.
I know that I need to be in a town and a community where I truly feel comfortable being me. Where I don't have the hesitation to just do "me". Knowing the eccentricities are not frowned upon, but accepted as just being who you are and respected. Knowing that I can just move about as I want to move without constant self censorship.
It's going to take support and understanding and love of my family and friends to get me there. To keep me honest and to help me stay the course.
I've got to make some hard short term choices and decisions. There are major changes coming in that aspect. I've got to get through my surgery and on the other side of that. And I've got to restabilize my financial situation to become both fully self sufficient again and to truly begin building my core to both sustain me and help me make the changes to begin with.
I'm up for the challenge and I hope they are too.
No more excuses. No more time wasted.
Now is the time of change and challenge in my life. 10 years later and it's time to take the next big leap of faith.
Below is a list of songs that I think match my mood right now.
I hope that you will join me in a moment of timeless stance against injustice and hate.
I'll start with one of my nearest and dearest favorites. It speaks to the ongoing struggles of people everywhere fighting to survive and to be treated fairly and just.
Standing firm in history, once again we are called upon as a nation to stand up for the rights and safety of one another.
Sadly it's not just in the south... and it's not just black bodies hanging from the trees. From the beaten and murdered, of the minorities still struggling along today and those who are still being cut down for who they are....were.
As I sit and read and I watch how we as a nation seem to try to find ever new and cruel ways to categorize, stigmatize, and marginalize one another...
I'm given to a thought that I think my truly religious friends may be able to relate to. A sentiment that I surely can relate to even as an atheist.
It was spoken by my hero, my personal soul soundtrack performer, by my friend in fandom, by a man so touched and blessed with fame and talent but that was always remained humble and kind, B.B. King.
I had the chance to take a much needed escape from reality for a week. I had the chance to visit Disney and Universal and even more so to visit with good friends.
I'm not sure I realized just how badly I needed this break after the last month or so of melancholy that has been dragging me down.
I could have easily spent an entire day in the Wizarding World segments of Universal Studios and Universal Adventure Islands. But I also had the pleasure seeing an unexpected live Blues Brothers performance.
Disney was all it has lived up to be each and every time.
I hope that I can make this a trip that happens more often than less...
“I didn't want to wake up. I was having a much better time asleep. And that's really sad. It was almost like a reverse nightmare, like when you wake up from a nightmare you're so relieved. I woke up into a nightmare.”
― Ned Vizzini, It's Kind of a Funny Story
To all my New England Family! You continue to love and support me. You've helped me make this my home and made me feel like I belong and am wanted and loved. You ARE my family and you keep me going even when I don’t have the desire or energy to do so.
To all of my East TN Family! You’ve known me all my life. You’ve loved me and supported me through some of the hardest and darkest times in my life. Without you I’d have never made it this far. You ARE my family and you mean the world to me.
To all of my Online Family! We may never have met in person. We may never have spoken over the phone. We may have only shared texts and emails and photographs. But it was through those photographs and the sharing and kindness and humor and raw honesty of letting others see inside your lives… It was through that that I was able to expand and live beyond what felt like isolation and a lack of hope. You have helped open my eyes to the world, you’ve continued to let me in and to let me share with you.You’ve allowed me to bare my soul and, on occasion, allowed me to take down the walls and let someone in from a safe distance. And you didn’t judge or shame me, you welcomed me and embraced me. You ARE my family and I will forever be grateful for allowing me to travel your world when I couldn’t leave mine.
It's that time of year for me, that time when my unquiet heart and melancholy spirit join up and take bets on which one can drive me nearest if not over the edge first.
I spend much of my life really quite lonely. I've good friends and family who love me and whom I love very much, but still I seem to live the lonely side of life. Even when I'm amongst friends and laughing I quite often feel the most alone. And truly, the saddest.
It's an interesting mix to live with to be sure, and not one I always want to live with. I've gone for more years than I can remember, probably since ages 13 or 14, with a single thought that has, without fail, crossed my mind at least once if not more than once a day as a companion on a life long journey that just doesn't quite know how to shut tha frakk up or pick their moments better. The professionals call it "suicidal ideation", a delightfully clinical term that basically means that at least once a day I think to myself, "wouldn't it be nice to stop now?"
In reading a story from someone whom I admire a great deal and who has the same general shadow following his life as well, made a rather brilliant and educated connection that has eluded me until now. Shakespeare really was a brilliant soul with understanding beyond the ages for someone of his time.
I had read Hamlet in school, and after a few times also, but until recently I'd not made the connection of one of the soliloquies to my own life. I can't remember when, probably at some point in the last 2 or 3 years I made that connection. And it still stands true to me now.
That "shadow thought, companion" of mine for all these years as simply been a conversation I've been having with myself on repeat... To be, or not to be....
"To be, or not to be--that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles
And by opposing end them. To die, to sleep--No more--and by a sleep to say we end
The heartache, and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to. 'Tis a consummation, Devoutly to be wished. To die, to sleep--To sleep--perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub,
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil, Must give us pause.
There's the respect
That makes calamity of so long life.
For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,
Th' oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely
The pangs of despised love, the law's delay,
The insolence of office, and the spurns
That patient merit of th' unworthy takes,
When he himself might his quietus make
With a bare bodkin?
Who would fardels bear,
To grunt and sweat under a weary life,
But that the dread of something after death,
The undiscovered country, from whose bourn.
No traveller returns, puzzles the will,
And makes us rather bear those ills we have Than fly to others that we know not of?
Thus conscience does make cowards of us all,
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,
And enterprise of great pitch and moment
With this regard their currents turn awry
And lose the name of action."
Something to read very closely and ponder. I suspect it will reach more than it bewilders. And if so I simply say I thank you for your love and for your kindness, for your patience and your peace, for your caring and your time.
So I've just sat down and put the bare bones of next years budget together. Normally I've this done and a final* budget in place by July the previous year. But with my finances being such a shit show I've been putting it off further and further. Today it had to be done, at least to account for January.
And it is a completely and totally bleak black hole of failure. At this stage if I'm NOT allowed to file for bankruptcy, then I've no idea how I'm going to survive. There just isn't enough money to go around. And I fully expect National Grid to try and raise my budget plan amount again. I'm already paying $232.00 a month!
I just hope there are no major issues with the bankruptcy because, aside from loving my car, I need a reliable car that is safe and I fit in properly. I'm terrified that they will try to repo the car or something.
I've walked myself straight into a minefield with no map to get me safely back out.
So now I sit here nauseous, hungry, a headache, severely discouraged, and with no desire to do anything. I barely get out of bed most days, and then only because I have to in order to go to work or if I have to make a nature call. Anything other than that and it takes everything I have to get up. Even getting up for work is getting more and more difficult despite having no choice with it.
I keep trying to hold onto the little things and keep moving one step at a time, but it's getting harder and harder to take those steps, like I'm walking in quicksand that is swallowing up my legs and hope faster and faster...
I'm trapped, and so covered in guilt and shame that there's nothing I can do about it.
I've just finished watching the new Cosmos series. The beauty of science, of the world around us, of the known and unknown, of the imagined and realized, of the visible and invisible, of the vast tapestry that is the universe and galaxy... I am awestruck and given to the emotional results. Such great beauty brings joy and hope to my heart, fascination to my mind and soul, and a tear to my eye. That we spend so much energy on hate, fear and destruction and not on learning and reaching for the stars, simply breaks my heart. Yet it is healed when I see so many working for the betterment of our species and planet.
We are standing in at a wonderful precipice, one we dare not turn our backs and walk away from.
We stand on the shoulders of giants and luminaries who have set the path and laid the foundations that guide our life today from all those hundreds and thousands of years before. We are ever evolving and learning still the wonders and beauty of what we have accomplished and what has yet to come.
We as a species are limitless in our possibilities if only we dare not get distracted by hate and by greed. We are not American or Chinese or Kurdish or Indian, we are humans and this is our home, we are humans and our knowledge and curiosity are a gift and a calling. A calling to do that which is hard because it is worthy and we are up to the task.
Such beauty and wonder demands and deserves it. I defy anyone to look to the heavens and not see the beauty of our place in the galaxy. I defy anyone who truly thinks for themselves and strives to learn to not feel those emotional pangs of awe and yearning to know more and go farther.
A tear to an eye from the beauty of science is a great gift that shall forever propel us further and higher than we've ever been before.
I love you all, and am gratified that I get to share this life and this world with you.
In the words of such a visionary I share...
"There is no strife, no prejudice, no national conflict in outer space as yet. Its hazards are hostile to us all. Its conquest deserves the best of all mankind, and its opportunity for peaceful cooperation many never come again. But why, some say, the moon? Why choose this as our goal? And they may well ask why climb the highest mountain? Why, 35 years ago, fly the Atlantic? Why does Rice play Texas?
We choose to go to the moon. We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other things, not because they are easy, but because they are hard, because that goal will serve to organize and measure the best of our energies and skills, because that challenge is one that we are willing to accept, one we are unwilling to postpone, and one which we intend to win, and the others, too."
President John F. Kennedy, September 12, 1962, at Rice University, Houston, Texas
Ok, this has been a very emotional day for me. I started it out by weeping with joy, and a flood of other emotions when it was announced that I am no longer a second class citizen in my country. And started again when a law that tried to force second class citizenship upon an entire state fell to the bells of freedom. I've never really thought that I'd get married, though it's not an unpleasantflight of fancy to dream about, but today in having my government stand up and say that I am welcome and invited to be a full citizen amongst a society built on freedom... I wept... When I heard that dear woman, Edith Windsor, surmise that her late wife would have said "you did it, honey" I wept...
We've still a VERY long way to go, but we've taken a huge step forward today, not as an LGBT community, but as an American Comumunity. As a people who live our lives in a land that was built on freedom for all and that all things under the law be equal.
So I'm gonna stand up here and say, My name is Alexander, I'm gay, and I am a full and equal citizen of the greatest nation, The United States of America!!
SO SAY WE ALL!!!!!
Ok. Two super storms, the lights didn't even flicker. Some flurries and the powers gone totally out. #UnhappyGeek Ok. 10 minutes n. Still no power. Brandishing sword against would be miscreants! Also, I'm bloody bored and sleepy. Too dark to do anything.
It's now been 13 minutes. Some of our group have begun to lose hope. Attempting to salvage morale with a "Abba's Biggest Hits" sing-a-long.
16 minutes now. The sun creeps slowly up as the mood grows ever more grim. #SingleStreetPowerApocalypse2013
Minute 23 and there's some strange beeping alarm. It's reason & source unknown. Two of our group r n the fetal passion licking themselves!
Minute 29. Social......power...strug...gle has brought. Violence. To. The. Grou... #PrimitiveInstincts
Minute 34. I am victorious and still leader of our intrepid group of survivors. Limited info from the grid of nationality. #ManyBothansDied
Minute 40. The sun has risen but hope and morale have faded. Verbal communication skills breaking down. Reverting to grunts and growls.
Minute 46. Startled awake from dream of our lost civilization. Getting harder and harder to remember life with electricity…
Minute 48. Ravens have begun to circle our encampment. Much discussion of what omen this might be.
Minute 50. THE CAVALRY HAS ARRIVED! Annnnnnd driven away. And returned! A dim flicker of hope springs to life.
Minute 52. Rescue begins! lockerz.com/s/283642266
Minute 56. We've begun observation of rescue operations from a secluded spot in the bathroom.
Minute 57. One of our group has become lost in his own dismay and loss of civility in this brutal experience. lockerz.com/s/283642726
Minute 58! The electrical gods have forgiven us and shown. Their love and mercy upon us! The group begins to rejoice!
That was quite the tumultuous hour... You really find how what you're made of in such crisis situations. Survival Is Mine!
And now we must relearn how to live in civilization!
OK, this is one that he has done that is not a comedy bit. (See Video At The End by Tim Minchin)
Many, if not all, of you know that this particular song is very dear to me. I am an atheist, yet I can appreciate the story being told. I've never been in love, but I can feel the pull of love in this song.
Every time, and I do mean every time, I hear this song... I break down into tears.
For many years I assumed it was the pain of having tried so hard to believe in a God and a religion that espoused love and acceptance to all but me and the gay community. That I wasn't good enough to be included in that love, and never would be.
Since then, it has come to mean more, it has come to be a reminder of that pain, that emotional torment of wanting so desperately to believe and belong and realizing that neither were true for me. And that I had to walk away from the old stories and myths and alleged gods to find my own way of love and acceptance and logical explanations of the world. Something that took me many years to come to and make my peace with, yet the painful memories are still there.
And yet in another way the song speaks to the power of love, love and desire. And the heartache that goes with finding it and not, with living it and losing it, and with finding a love that binds so tightly amongst two people. Something I've never experienced and have so long ago given up on finding. I don't know if it's in my future, maybe but I don't know.
I like to think there is still that tiniest sliver of a chance out there, that someone might have that mythical key to the ironclad welded shut vault I've locked those dreams in.
So in the song I imagine the joy, and mourn the loss of hope for that joy. And yet this is one of my absolute favorite songs. Despite the pain, despite the tears and memories and issues it touches for me. It does just that, it touches me, in a way that so few things do... It's like getting a glimpse of the well of pain that I've worked so carefully to keep hidden away and tried to ignore, it's like getting to reach down and take a bucket of that pain and pour it away in an emotional eruption.
It hurts, but yet it feels right and necessary.
I don't know that this makes full sense or not, but it is what it is... And I'm letting a little bit of the pain escape this morning.
Please excuse the mess....
Last nights Victory speech was a brilliant one. I had goosebumps through most all of it... but it was the point when the President of the United States, newly re-elected to 4 more years (let that sink in for a second).....
It was when he hit the following stride of his speech and included the LGBT community in a speech of this magnitude... that is when I was totally in tears. A cathartic moment of release at being recognized by my government as having worth. I reacted similarly when President Obama stood up for gay marriage as well.
It might sound silly to have such a reaction to a couple of "statements" not legislation, but these are statements previously only dreamed of but never a reality for so many of us. I often wondered if I would truly ever see a President that stood up not just for 80% of my views but 100% of my views, and all of my rights. That question has been answered and received with tears of joy and hope.
"I believe we can keep the promise of our founders, the idea that if you're willing to work hard, it doesn't matter who you are or where you come from or what you look like or where you love. It doesn't matter whether you're black or white or Hispanic or Asian or Native American or young or old or rich or poor, able, disabled, gay or straight, you can make it here in America if you're willing to try.
I believe we can seize this future together because we are not as divided as our politics suggests. We're not as cynical as the pundits believe. We are greater than the sum of our individual ambitions, and we remain more than a collection of red states and blue states. We are and forever will be the United States of America.
And together with your help and God's grace we will continue our journey forward and remind the world just why it is that we live in the greatest nation on Earth.
Thank you, America. God bless you. God bless these United States." ~POTUS Barack Obama 11/07/2012
I've said it before but if you don't think I'm worth full & equal citizenship & can't vote for that w Obama, then PLEASE don't vote at all.
If you can't support the only candidate that has fought and openly accepted that I should be a full and equal citizen with all the freedoms and responsibilities afforded by the land of the free, that's fine. I can respect that. All I ask is that you please don't add voter support to the candidate that seeks to repeal and take away any and all progress and stop any future progress towards my full freedom. Irrespective of differences in economic policies or foreign agendas, civil rights are the basis of our nation. To deny any portion of the population the right to legal unions in the eyes of the government, is to diminish the freedom and name of our country.
If your concerns stem from the word marriage, look at it this way, it has no impact on current one man/one woman marriages in any form. If it's truly just that word then let's look at it simply this way by use of the method laid out in our most basic laws. Separation of Church and State. Marriage can and should be defined by the beliefs and religious standings within those religions. The laws of the nation are to treat all equally, providing equal legal binding contract status to consenting adults separate of the definition of if it is a marriage, union, partnership, special bond, life commitment, or whatever phrase you so choose. The Gov't has no business being in the business of marriage. For anyone. Marriage is a term made common use but originating from religion. Our Gov't is to be separate and free from religious doctrines.
There is one candidate who says I am of worth and value such that I deserve the same basic rights as everyone else, including "marriage" in the eyes of the law. Nowhere has it been said that an edict will be sent out forcing religions to violate their beliefs in preforming weddings or supporting such equality amongst the citizenry, simply that the right exists for those individuals who deign to join in a legal union in the eyes of the law and all the responsibilities and benefits that go along with it.
Until all citizens are first class citizens, none of us are truly free.
And if it comes down to the economy, look at it this way... Just imagine how much of a boost travel and tourism would get, and how much new money would be put into the "wedding industry" thus creating new revenue and opportunities for more jobs.
I have many many other reasons to not support or vote for Willard Romney, all of which should be obvious but seem not to be to nearly half the nation... But lets boil it down to one simple question...
Do I deserve basic equal rights in the eyes of the law, absent the laws of the church (any church), or am I truly a second class citizen not fully human, not fully deserving of freedom in all aspects??
If you can't support my freedom, please don't support their bigotry and hatred. If you can't support the candidate that has stepped up and worked hard to bring me closer and closer to full citizenship despite the best efforts of the GOP and the tax exempt religious zealots, then please don't vote for Obama OR Romney. Please don't lend support to their hate.
I can respect agreeing with their position on this issue based on YOUR personal religious beliefs and not right wing talking points. I can not respect hammering the nail into the coffin built to hold my freedom not yet fully realized.
One final thought, take a look at the nations that have built their laws exclusively on religious doctrine, look at the state of things in those countries. What truly separates Christianity from and elevates it above any other religion if it is to be used as a basis for all legislation. Sharia law exists in the middle east as the legislative template for example. Or perhaps Iran and its form of religious fundamentalism exercised by dictator after dictator. Or North Korea?
Is that really the company we want to keep?
**It should be noted that I don't make the statement "don't vote" lightly. I have always said that we as a people should be involved and should vote. Period. However, in the case of supporting legislated bigotry and hate, or not... I've had to adjust my view a bit to say that if you don't support my rights that's ok, but please don't help take them away from me or prevent their completion in being recognized.