It takes a lot for me to truly let someone close enough to see the messed up hell behind my forty foot tall thirty foot thick walls.
The only gate long since rusted shut with salty tears and white hot agony.
The only signs of damage being the scars on the outside of the walls from the times of pain so great it nearly cracks and shatters the wall into a flood of anger and sadness and loneliness that would surely wipe away any in its path of ultimate self destruction.
There is a great facade that stands in front of this wall. Well practiced and placed. I can even tell jokes and laugh and smile while I'm crying and screaming in agony inside. It's a disturbing duality to live with.
No...live isn't right. Survive. That's more accurate. A daily battle for survival. Some days easier, most not.
There are a few who have managed to see behind this wall in glimpses and glances. Peering through the self sealing cracks just long enough before everything is closed back up.
Taking these people into my confidence and trust is a rare and serious thing. To trust those with love and a hope for mutual love and respect is a gravely serious matter.
That I let them look at those scars and hear the wails of pain and damage inside means I trust them completely and in a very intimate way. I trust that they will love me and support me back. I trust that whenever there is a chance to help make my life better, to ensure my dignity and safety, that they will be there standing with me. Not running to the other side and back hoping I won't notice or I'll maintain a blind eye.
In return my loyalty becomes absolute and fierce.
Once that trust has been violated...the support withdrawn at personal and public moments of distinction...once those betrayals have washed over nearly every last ounce of forgiveness and strength to look past...
What is left is simply another scar on the wall. A lost companion in search of peace. A lost avenue for love trust and support. A lost trust and a lost loyalty.
While a friendship might remain, it's no longer what it once was. It is now held with someone on the outside trying to see through the facade without a means of ever getting through again to even see the visage of scars on the walls. Never to know when I need or needed them most.
That trust of support in all parts of life that matter...the heart mind soul and human rights. Once violated and forgiven, violated and forgiven, violated and forgiven, violated and forgiven...the loyalty fails and the trust has been used up.
It all becomes one great new and horrific scar across the blackened and burning landscape inside the walls of shame and fear.
To violate a trust to such a degree simply ends with resolute finality the intimate and frequent friendship and companionship. Leaving casual friendship the only survivable option for me. And it will have to be enough. Because I can't bear the pain of living it again.