Ok so first off a bit about the last post - No More Secrets. I have been trying to figure out how to describe the story behind that one and to make it sound right. And I am still not sure I have captured the heart of what I want to convey.
The basic portion of it is that I finally came out the the rest of my family. Something that was long over due.
I suppose for each person there is a coming out story whether its sexuality or just a truth about themselves that has not been openly expressed. I don't think it a uniquely homosexual topic at all. I mean after all you hear about closed democrats, closet republicans, closet shop-aholics, and so on so its not really just one thing.
I recently read a book by Malcolm Boyd - "Take off the Masks". It is a really insightful book, and illustrates how far things have come and how far there is still yet to go. But it does more than that it shows the possibilities of life and love and the affects that "social norms" and ignorant hatred have on them. The book is also really adept at exploring religion with alternate life styles in addition to breaking down this myth that everyone is so different. Granted we are unique but not that different. I am not sure that makes sense but Mr Boyd does a far better job of describing this. How he managed to pack so much into so few pages I'll never know. But it is something that I will continue to go back and read and re-read. Thanks to ROS for sharing the book with me!
But back to my main topic...
I have been talking a great deal about changing my outlook, and changing how I live my life. Well I took some first steps with beginning to live healthier by my diet and activity. And everyone has been so very supportive! Both online and in real time. Something that I will forever be grateful for. But I also mentioned that I would be taking another big step.
Well after many many many months - even years - of trying to find the words and the nerve at the same time - I finally finished what I started so many years ago. And now for the first time I feel like a major weight has been lifted. Like for the first time I can be me! fully and completely. I don't have to hide it from certain people, I don't have to speak in generics - I don't have to worry about the "what if they find out". So this past weekend I finally found a way to do it. It wasn't my first or even second choice but it was what I could do. And let me tell you .... whew!! talk about a case of nerves. After sending the message and calling to let them know - and having a very raw and emotional conversation in which I thought I might very well have a nervous breakdown... I went and locked myself in a room and had a nice little cry to vent the fear, to vent the tension, and to just generally express and let out some of what has been kept bottled up for sooooooooo long.
Something else happened in that cry though. Somewhere in there I think I forgave myself. Maybe not fully but somewhat.
Anyhow things turned out far better than I could have hoped but there is still a ways to go I suppose. I am not sure really where to go from here but I know one thing - it will be honest and open. No More Secrets....No More Lies.
One of the other things I have been doing as this sort of self allowance is that I applied for a new position at work. I have held off for a while for a few reasons - but the main one links back to self esteem and that I kept telling myself that I wasn't worth it, and it would never happen for me. But finally I worked up the courage and applied for a supervisor position. I have no idea if I will get it or not - I feel like the interview went really well and that I made a good impression. But they are interviewing a lot of people and I won't know until sometime next week. Soooo I am keeping my fingers crossed.
The thing is though that even if I don't get it - I feel like I will be just fine with that, where as there was a time that it would have dealt a MAJOR blow to myself esteem, one that I would have covered heaven and hell to cover up and hide from the rest of the world. But now I feel like it just means that it's not the time if that is the case. And there are some more opportunities coming up at work that I think could be as interesting as well.
So for the next week or so - I am keeping my fingers crossed. And hoping for the best - whether that means I get the job or not.
Ok I know this is kind of a long rambling post but I am still trying to find my new voice in the new me. And I am still not 100% sure of the direction I intend to take this blog. For now I am thinking it will be kind of a forum for me to talk about my life - to look at the changes I am making and planning to make. A way to live it out loud instead of all in my head. As well as to share some stuff that I find interesting.
Eventually this year there will be some political stuff too but don't be run off by it - its just part of me and I care about the direction and leadership we have so ... yeah lol ...
So stay tuned - I am thinking that in the next few days I will start posting some stuff about some different electronic things I am looking at lol ... and thinking about venturing into sometime in the next year or so.
But alas... I fear I have bored you enough!
So until next...