For anyone who thinks that changing ones out look on life and themselves is an easy thing, you are sorely mistaken. In the last few months I have found that I am going through a sort of evolution... one in which the old me falls away in parts and chunks... and never without warning. Self confidence evaporates, for what is there to be confident in when you don't even know who you are?
The new moves slowly and painfully in... in ways that are not obvious, and never clear. I feel lost in a limbo of worlds between. I've let go of the branch of the past and am reaching for the future with hopes of life and love and happiness - but just now I feel in free fall and it scares the hell out of me.
I fear who I am, I fear who I am not. The old horror shows of my mind have resurfaced... for a last goodbye? I don't know. To be lost in ones own skin with no roadmap out is a feeling beyond physical and emotional. Anxiety lives here... chest tightening, heart squeezing, head banging anxiety...
All I want to do is sleep, but when I sleep I dream, and then I want to be awake... durring the wake I feel like I am wasting time and wasting my life, doing nothing and doing it alone... but there are no appealing thoughts of things to do, places to go. I long for friendship and to spend time with good souls and to live life like a human, but my fear resides so deep that I don't know who to be around people, and in this state I recoil, make plans then hide, make plans and lie.
Perhaps those around me see a difference, they see a person who is just tired, a person just me. I wish I could step outside of me just to see... what it is the world sees, then maybe I might know me.
Its as though Im lost on a current of tempest sea's that take me from anger to despair to momentary glee.. I spend my days fighting back tears and swallowing my panic for fear that it will overcome me.
I've lost who I am, and don't know who I'll be... Who am I now? Who? What can I be?