Well March has come and gone. A visit from my best friend has sailed past. Another birthday has left its scar. And I find myself looking once more day to day counting the moments till my next visitor arrives. I seem to find myself not looking so much at my day to day life and what I can do here and now for the every day of me, but just how much longer till someone is here that I can share and do things with in person. Is this healthy? I sometimes wonder. 

As for the birthday madness 26 seems to have been a traumatic number for me.  I am not 100% sure why. Though I imagine it has something to do with a feeling that I would have been at a different place in my life by now. To have had at least one significant relationship at least even if I were not in one currently.  But it seems I am still poised on the precipice of life waiting to jump in. For all my desire - somehow I am not there yet. 

These last few weeks have be extremely difficult to deal with but once again with the help of my friends and family and a few surprising other sources I have again survived that which is life. 

And now on to more pleasant things....

We finally have a new sup at work, which I am hoping alleviates some of my current concerns and stresses a of late. Things have been a tad strained and while I am sure a lot of it has to do with our manager being over run and handling or juggling way too much at once it has made work a near nervous nightmare everyday I go in. Not knowing if I am still welcome in the department, and feeling very much not. And being put off endlessly on requests and questions that I really need answers to. While I am sure there are reasons it does not help the situation.  It just feels like anyone else that has a question gets a response and the only one I get is, we are going to discuss that in a meeting at some point in the future, in the mean time do the best you can... feels like I am being set up for failure I don't know...perhaps its just paranoia.  

The chief complaint as of late is that after having been told for 3 weeks that a request for time off would be reviewed that it will not be looked at until the end of this month. Already this delay has cost at least $50 because I am unable to book my flight till this is approved. And with the economy going the way its going I fear that number will only increase. It is just so frustrating that while the rest of our office (like the entire building) gets the courtesy of requests for up to 6 months out that we are now limited to 3 months and just supposed to take it. I suppose I would see things differently from a different point of view but unfortunately I only have the one POV from which to view the problem. And what is more frustrating is that I can't say a single word in protest for fear of being labeled a trouble maker, a problem, and being fussed at or given dismissive condescending responses. Whats more is that there appears to be no where to turn for help with this issue... so here I sit, venting to the nether regions in an empty apartment with no one to talk to, no one to share these troubles with to work through them. I can't discuss them at work, and there is no where to discuss them here.. So I am left to stew in my own brain. its truly maddening. And even as I write this I am mindful that I will probably be yelled at if this is ever read by any of those in the chain of command where I work. But I have no where else to put these thoughts down - to express and vent them - to exist as any other human being does by working through and talking through issues and emotions. 

Sigh... oh well...