Do we Live in the pursuit of a life we want - or is life the pursuit of its self? Circular, odd, and irritating? Yes! But valid and one of those questions that leaves me standing still in a road race to the goals of "a life well spent".
In this endeavour to re-discover the me within, the one trampled down by years and years of being what PEOPLE think I should be instead of being what I am - has left me kind of in a free fall. Its like being told suddenly, "Here's your chance! Rewrite your narrative. Design your person in the image that YOU want. Forget all constraints and what society and the world around says is required." It's at once liberating and terrifying.
So far I have turned introspective - been more outloud, proud, down right arrogant, and respectful - considered body piercing (still contemplating that) - redefined my fiscal self - begun to set new year-end goals (2009) - opened myself up to the idea of a more sexual and desireable me in others eyes as well as my own - begun trying to figure out what it is that I have to offer a potential mate, and what it is that people see in me; what to change, keep, magnify - redesigned much of my living space in dramatic rearrangement, style, and smaller changes that altered the mood - begun to re-examine my beliefs on the spiritual and moral of life - AND last but not least, try to determine how all these pieces fit together in a manner that enhances the me I want to be and minimizes the aspects of my worse natures that only serve to hinder and hold me back.
(OK now I know why I have been so flippin tired!)
In an effort to go back and figure some things out I have had to take a step back in some processes including reading material and focus to what many people did when they were in High School and College. Things that I skipped past or never even looked at. I don't know that it will come of anything but it is a place to look. One thing I truly want to learn and develop are the social interaction skills that most people learned in their more youthful youth. Something that despite bursts of activity I have never truly figured out outside the confines of the workplace.
So what is the answer to the primary question?
Do we pursue what we want in life to get where we want to be? Or do we ever get there and the pursuit of said goals is the actual goal in its self?
If I can ever figure out how to best answer this for me, the other pieces will fall into a new light and maybe into place. But then what does that leave me with? The puzzle fits together, but what's the picture. I am still left with a bare blank canvas with which to paint the picture of me.
Everyone, I think, is aware of my appreciation for tattoo's and self expresion in this manner, and with this includes an interest in body piercing. But is it merely a superficial answer to an internal question? I have no fraking clue. I do know that life is short enough to not risk regrets. So in the interim I will explore these routes until I can find a clearer course that points a new direction or if I in fact am on the right path.
One thing I do know for sure at this point is that I MUST break from my old patterns and obsessions. The things that have consumed my being and my mind that are not good for me and the desired growth, and those things that are lost to the reality of "never gonna-happen". Because when we travel those paths all that resides at the ends is disappointment, and heartache.
But how do you seperate your old beliefs and determine what you believe? By what yard stick do you measure?
OK my head hurts now. And for those of you that read this far - sorry there wasn't more of a "ending" feeling to this post. I honestly don't have one for it. But thanks for reading this far!