A good friend of mine has nominated me for the Honest Scrap Award. This is one of those things that is not for the faint of heart and the weak or character. to share secrets with the world takes self confidence and strength. Two things that I am never sure I have when I need them. But being inspired by my good friend I am going to aim high and try to hit that mark. So here goes - 10 things you may or may not have ever wanted to know about me.
1. I love the south and the history and so much of the tradition, but I also hate those same things. Its two sides of the same coin. I am from the south and proud of it but could never live there again.
2. I struggle daily with a very deep seated self loathing. This has been a year of changes and new beginnings and I feel like I have made great strides in this area but its going to take a lot of LED's to bring the light into the depth of the darkness always on the edge threatening to consume.
3. I am a fairly good cook - when I cook. I usually hate the effort or should I say the mess. But when I do cook I am almost always so thrilled without things come out.
4. I suffer from OCD in the non-debilitating sort of way. Some would call it being a control freak. I try very hard to hide it and more often than not I never say a word but inside so much of the time I just cringe and want to scream and say... STOP THAT!... but I don't.
5. I have an extremely hard time staying angry with someone, and find myself often being the one to try and rebuild bridges even when I didn't start the fire. Some might call that southern hospitality. To me though I think its part of being a human and moving past things. But this also marks something else for me. If ever you find that I have harbored a grudge or ill feelings for anyone for more than 2 weeks then you will know that there is truly a severe issue at hand that I have washed my hands of. With this being said - Respect for others around me is a huge thing, and when I am wronged all of the upfront respect owed a person for being a person - goes away except for very basic things. And has to be EARNED back over a period of years.
6. I try to always look to the future and see the best in people, however...Old wounds never seem to fully heal for me. Even those self inflicted. From time to time things will resurface and hurt just as badly as the day it happened. Even more than 10+ years later.
7. When I think of the physical me and what I expect to see when I look in a mirror - it never lines up with reality. In my head I have the full head of hair and the handsome slender body and frame. Daily my heart starts and sinks a bit when the mirror is in line with my reality reflection. To this end - all but two of my mirrors are set to shoulder height or higher with 1 full length in a closet for necessity, and 1 in a corner to make a room feel bigger but that I won't walk in front of.
8. I have gotten very used to being alone. After 9 years of being single and without a date I have become very accustomed to being alone. And am quiet comfortable in a silent home (despite my tech addiction for items that entertain). I HATE that I have adjusted to it and long every day for someone special to share my life with. Its a pain so intense that I often don't trust myself in social situations because I never know if it is the appropriate reaction level or a desperate cling. And to that I rarely go out to avoid such missteps. It is a vicious cycle.
9. This year I have lost 71lbs with weight watchers, and gained approximately 10 back in the last few weeks. I have been stuck at the 60-71 mark now since around August. Partially of a natural plateau and of my own lack of willpower. Hoping that with my new health insurance in the new year that gastric banding may become an option. But trying not to get my hopes up.
10. I am a gay man trapped in a straight mans life. I have spend so many years of my life trying to present the image that is SUPPOSED to be out there that I have no idea of the person within. And even when I see that person I find myself chastising saying no no thats not how you should act butch it up or keep it to yourself. Even after nearly 3 years in a much more open and socially accepting climate I am still stuck in survival mode that was required of growing up and living in the south. I wish that I could break these chains that bind, but the damn lock seems rusted shut.