Its been forever since I have updated this damn thing. And I am really not sure what to say.

There has been so much going on, a visit from my Mom. Then a trip home to help her through surgery and the first few days of recovery. Car repairs out of the blue that are soaring over 700.00 and a couch that wants to collapse under my massive weight. Storm clouds in my head that just won't go away. A poison lightning strike in my soul that won't give me peace.

And through it all I just keep trying to hide it and be strong enough to hold my shit together just one more day, one more hour, one more minute. I have a mother who loves me and that I love dearly. A mother that I wish like hell I could do something for to help her, something meaningful - and the best I can come up with is just trying to keep myself from falling apart all over the damn place because of my own shit and how worried I am for her. No matter how good she is doing, no matter how quick she is recovering it still scares the shit out of me. And I worry.

For my best friend I try to put the world on an even keel so that I can be the friend that she deserves, and still I go swerving off the deep end. I could spend a life time trying to make up these things to her and it wouldn't be enough time.

For months now I have been writing, talking, and thinking about changes coming. A rumbling within, that burst of bottled down angst and emotion comes bursting through at the most bizarre and dumb moments. In ways I can't control or predict. Sometimes tears, some times anger, sometimes pure joy. But usually just like this well spring of tears that comes surging through me from somewhere deep inside where no human is supposed to have tear ducts, ripping through me. And what does it come to... apparently My brain, my emotions and even my body is trying to tear me apart in different directions all at once and not at all. Some impending change...

Just one more day, one more hour, one more minute....

There are so many possibilities in the future for me and for all of us. But for some reason the numbers keep changing in front of me, and my number just keeps getting smaller. My hope is to have my gastric surgery first of the year insurance or not, to try and help me physically, and that at some point in the next few days or so I get the balls to actually try to find a doc to help me sort through my bullshit. I just can't do that alone. Not anymore. Just one more thing for which I have no money.

I so fucking hate being broke. There are just so many things... Not even to be rich, just enough to be able to make payments on the surgery, to pay off my car to put just a little in savings. Is that so much to ask for? Is it? Really? Or maybe to even have an employer and insurance company that doesn't classify obesity as a cosmetic issue with no actual medical correlation to other issues such as diabetes, heart disease, depression, back pain, carpal tunnel, sleep disorders, liver disease, etc... thats all just coincidence with no medical basis. Yeah right, so apparently the rest of the world is just a bunch of dip shits and the cable industry has figured out the truth of medicine for fat people. It is their speciality after all.

Just one more day, one more hour, one more minute....

I want to try so hard for the good that I know once existed somewhere inside, that I can still fake most days for at least periods at a time. But more and more the bitter, awful, hateful, spiteful, pain and rage inside is just burning up what is left of me and fighting to break through to destroy anything good i have accomplished.

Just one more day, one more hour, one more minute....

To my mother I must say I know if you read this - this post will bother you, And I am truly sorry I am. Because I don't want to. All I want to do is to support you and be there for you. And to eliminate any worry you have for me. I wish I knew another way to express myself a more private way - but somehow if I don't put this stuff out there somehow ... it just never leaves me and stays inside. I wish I could be there to help you - I wish there was something I could do .. but I can't. I can't live in TN, but that means I can't be there for you like I should be.

And for anyone else reading this, yeah... I dunno what else to say... time to go to sleep and pray my better angels shout down the demons. If only for a few hours peace...In the mean time I guess this will stay private. Im not sure I am ready for anyone but you few to see it, and really pretty damn sure its best if my mother doesn't see it.

So what do ya think? Not nearly the together guy that appears so much in facade, or maybe I was only fooling me all these years...