The difference of a few days.
The determination to say DAMN IT IM DONE LIVING LIKE THIS. ITS BULLSHIT. AND IT STOPS NOW!
In the previous post I aired a lot of frustration, in the previous week I came perilously close to a permanent decision. Since then I have made it a mission to change this path.
For too many years I have fought the storm that threatens to drown me in tears, and to fry my soul with vicious lightning to my heart. For too many years I have fought the poisoning of my being and fumbled in the dark, stumbling into one pothole after another while skidding down a highway at 3,000 miles per hour with the brakes on! For too many years I have said, "it will pass, just hang on." "I can do this, I will do this and stay for my friends for my family" "All it would take would be one bottle and it stops, and they can move on and stop worrying about me." For too many years...
This year I have written a great deal about change and journey. Change in attitude and a journey to find myself and my beliefs. Where I stand, what I can hold on to in this life that makes sense to me in my heart, soul, and mind. And for the first time in a very long time I think I have found the foundation. Buried under an order of a magnitude of a millennia's worth of "religion" trying to control the people, to define the unknown, and to find their own peace in definition. Deep underneath all of that, under the multitude of faiths, there is a belief that there is a spiritual side to things, wether it be God, Heaven, Hell, Angels, Demons, Ghosts, Goddess's, Sun - Moon - Stars...
And in this I have looked at the religion I was brought up in. I have studied, however informally and incompletely the history of the birthplace of this religion. And to me, all I can see is this. A great philosopher with brilliant ideas of how to treat one another, a devoted following (not uncommon to that type in that time) a man who believed he was destined for great things and he was. He led a people into love and respect, into ideas for their safety and for the modernization of society from barbarian to civilized human. But once this threatened the powers of the time he was stopped, and was martyred. And as with so many figures of the time he was believed to have risen and to live on. I don't dispute this, I merely interpret it differently.
The leaders of the time saw what they had done. They had canonized him on that cross. And created an unstoppable force. Faith in him. And the need for that faith. And so for survival they took it up - they wrote the books, and committee decided what books would be accepted, and what would not. Interesting that something would be excluded from the "word". But thats how it was done. It ensured the power, reigned in the storm, and kept the leaders in place. And it became a handy tool - one that is still used today in its many and varied forms.
Thousands of years later its still the same. A few true devout followers of a philosophy with a belief in a spiritual realm of life. And those who would use it for personal gain, power, and control. The devout are far outnumbered.
My interpretation? Both simple and complex. It happened accidentally in a conversation almost 2 weeks ago. We were discussing these very things at work, and I heard myself passionately declaring how I felt, and realized I truly felt this way. That my faith in something in this world had finally landed.
Yes there is a spiritual aspect to life. We are surrounded by energies - bad and good, positive and negative. Life is a balance. The yin and yang. We must find balance in our lives to survive. It comes in twos. Though not always the physical twos, but sometimes the emotional and the intellectual two in ones self to find that balance and harmony inside to sustain ones self. Yes I believe that when we die our soul, our spirit, leaves the body, but that it enters an higher plane, just the other side of this awareness, unless it wishes to be known. Yes there are negative energies that can affect our lives and if we let them in, set up a welcoming environment for them, they will settle in and cloud the world, and sit on the scale causeing the world to fall out of balance for each who it touches.
God? Rather than being just one entity, an all encompassing energy as in spiritual energy that can move through us if we seek to open ourselves and will not if we shut ourselves off. (Mr Lucas was inspired when he took this similar idea from other philosophies and religions. And no I am not a Jedi so shush.) Look at Christianity, the idea of opening yourself to the love and embrace of a god who works through you and helps you to live your life in a good and fulfilling manner. Doesn't sound that different does it?
Me I just feel that we are meant to open ourselves to the positive, to welcome that, to draw strength from it. To observe the negative, to learn from it, to respect it, and to avoid embracing that path any more than is needed to learn from its mistakes. To find the balance.
With these thoughts in hand, and the light bulb burning brightly over my head I realized that far too long I have had a death grip on the negative, the problem - and looking for the solution with my eyes closed. Living in my own head and not in my own soul. A dangerous thing, like any part of the body - if not used and exercised and respected it can grow weak and wither and become useless. A soul just tends to be more resilient when nourished with faith.
And so I approached my last two weeks at work with the open mind and balance of I am going to do exactly what is required of me. I am not going to take on the worry any more of what the problems may be that are beyond my control. To stop embracing the negative defeatist, aggravated energy that threatens to eat us all alive. Seemingly more so in our work places. That I will do what is asked, I will do it in a way that I respect myself for my level of action, expertise, and ability. And I will walk away with the energy to live LIFE not just to sustain till work arrives again.
For too many years I have hung on to the negative, my scales badly out of balance. Now I grab for the light to pull myself back.
In the previous post I mentioned looking for a professional to help me find the way. I actually did this. I meet them the first time today. I am terrified and exhilarated to think I might finally find a way out of this darkness for once and in a lasting manner. I have found my faith and belief, and now with the help of someone outside of me I hope to find myself and my life. To help guide me, keep myself honest to me, and to listen when I've lost that balance and let myself cloud from the balance of life. Some people go to churches for this, for me I don't feel the need of that - I am not looking for spiritual guidance in this, I am looking for someone to help me hold the mirror up to me so that I can see when I am closing my eyes to what I know I need to do.
To another note - I am also finally going to the UMASS Weight Loss Clinic's Orientation on Thursday to learn what I need to do to finally start down a more permanent path of success for my physical life. To have made the decision that life is more important than credit, seems funny that it would even be a question. But I want to live the life I have inside of me before its too late. And it will require more than a sacrifice of habits and old mind sets but of other things as well.
Staying the same has become more painful than the change.
These last two weeks have been an adventure in self control and determination. To approach the old irritants and tasks, to feel the bile rising within with old habit, and to take the deep breath and let it wash away and just smile and say. Sure! Lets do this! And to move on knowing that I have done what has been asked of me and I can sleep well. That my goal in this world is not to worry for those who will not listen and for those things beyond my control. But that the goal is to live a life where you find joy wherever it may lay and to embrace that. To find and maintain the balance of positive and negative. To strive for well being and security against all the odds that want to tear that down. And to have some damn fun once in a while because we are worth it. Because I'm worth it.
So I may not feel up to the dance club yet. My self confidence and self esteem may not be there for a while yet. But with the strength of the positive, the faith of the planes of existence beyond just this one crude physical one, and the love and support of friends - family - and professionals with guidance, I WILL achieve the goals in my life. And maybe even of the dance club lol...
With this I unlock the previous post. To shine light on the negative that boils over within. Please try not to judge me on the guile and self hatred that seethes through it. I have spent a lot of years hating myself because I thought I was supposed to, as dictated by society, even when those who loved me assured me I was wrong.
With this I unlock myself to start to accept finally after almost 10 years my coming out. And that its not a damnation to "hell" that all that is asked of us is to embrace the good, to learn from the bad, and to move forward. And that the reward is in this life as well, with love, joy, and friendship. As well as into the spiritual plane where we move on to learn our new existence as a more integrated part of the whole.
This is just the warm up. Are you ready? I will be soon...