Today has been one of those more challenging days. I watched as the readout showed my weight increased again, as progress was dealt a blow in our country, and struggled to describe my belief's while sounding like a sane person. Oh and the slow death of my phone...
There are days that it takes all that I have, all of the positive energy I can draw into me to fight off the despair and frustration with my weight. Today was one of those days. After walking out of the Weight Watchers office, having been told I went up more than 2lbs in one week, the frustration built rapidly. By the time I made the short walk to my truck and got in, it was a fever pitch of self hatred and despair. The old thoughts flying through my mind, the desire to just be done with it, to just be a healthy weight like seemingly what feels like the rest of the world, or to not be at all anymore. All the old thoughts, the patterns, and the ideas flashed through. And closing my eyes I just simply said no to them. I reached out for my balanced self and grabbed hold. I sit here tonight like someone washed up on shore who has struggled to drag them self in from a tempest ocean. It's kind of funny now looking back on today when I made a comment of regenerating my mind, body, and soul. I didn't realize then just how true that statement was. But it felt right and the right thing to say.
And so errands completed, I laid down to take a nap... and began to focus on a blank white square in my mind.. determined to focus on the light with a clear mind.. but I couldn't clear my mind - it just kept wandering... And I realized I was focused in the wrong direction. The light was already with me, I needed to focus on the darkness to address it and explore but not to succumb. So I changed it to a black square, and quickly the noise fell away to a dull roar. I would still wander a bit but not as much. Focusing to the image of the black square and quickly I dropped off to sleep. And even more quickly to a dream state.
I've never been great at going to a blank state of mind. But its a skill I am trying hard to get better at - so that I can more truly focus on what I need. And to allow me the clarity of vision to draw in what I need. I'm trying to learn to effectively meditate in a manner that I am able to make the healing that I need and to maintain the protection from the outside and from the inside.
I'm sure there are people who think I have gone all new age heathenistic crazy. I'm sure there are those that feel they need to pray for me - and I thank them for their positive energy and hope that it comes from a place of love not a place of pity or of derision for what they do not understand. Prayer, good mojo, positive energy - are all faces of the same sphere - one leads into the other and blends with each other. Except when they are fueled by negativity of any kind.
I'm sure that what I believe is hard for some to accept and they won't because they can't. That's OK. They are MY belief's. They are what is the truth for me. We must each find our own path and interpret it in a way that makes sense for us. For some that is a God, others multiple gods, and still yet other people who look to a commonality between all of these things and see a more harmonious blend rather than an acrimonious claim to righteousness in a singular form to the exclusion of all the other many wonders of this world. For me I tend to fall to the third category with a respect for those who land in the other categories - none are more right than the other, none are more wrong. In my opinion we are all looking at the same field, its just that we, with our individual minds and spirits, interpret that field differently and in a way that is easiest for us to understand and to cope with. I don't think we are all that much different to be honest, its just all in the point of view.
I asked a question a while back: "...did I forget to come out to myself?" Sometimes I still wonder with that. And my revelation of what I truly believe is truth and what works for me is a sort of "spiritual" coming out for me now.
I think that all of us in some for or other spend our lives "coming out" in some form or other. Be it a revelation of our sexuality, spirituality, political beliefs, dietary preferences, or of declarations of love. And often times its a "rebirth" of old ideas or a revision to held belief's. This is ok and its normal. What gives us trouble is the willingness to accept that we evolve with time and experience. Our energy is always in motion and changing. It moves with the "flow" and along the way we pick up and shed ideas and feelings. Its only right that we incorporate and update what is needed, because these are the tools to continue us along our path, and to let go is to appreciate and leave behind the tools that no longer serve us but that may well serve others in their path.
So today I look to my weight issues - I have a meeting Wednesday to address them more fully. I hope to find a successful path to getting my body on the path it is supposed to be. Then in that time I hope that I can continue it because then with a blend of correction I can more fully embrace my path. I don't want to pin all my hopes in one place - at this point in time however I don't know much other place to pin them yet... perhaps its just not visible yet.
What was visible today was a new obstacle for progress in our country. One that it is far to early to tell how detrimental it will be. I only hope that clarity, conviction, and compassion weigh out for the betterment of our country and us as a people. And that the money doesn't take over the path and divert us away from what needs to be done. 8 years was enough, its time to move forward not stand still or slide backwards.
And as for my phone... grumble.... now buttons are starting to lack function. And I am fighting hard the urge to go get the iPhone I want so badly. I am trying very hard to take a more moderate approach for the time being. I will be taking a friend up on her offer and making use of her phone which is still very new and will suit my needs. It will also allow me to upgrade without a contract or plan changes. At least they better not force any plan changes on me. And provide me with the leeway to hold out for a possible iPhone/Verizon summer announcement... sigh.. I dearly hope it finally happens. Failing that a move to the anticipated HTC HD2.
So there ... today has been one of those days - where more than most I have struggled to articulate my belief's to reign in my impetuous techno lust, and the urge to let old negativity take over. It has been a day where wariness has made me slow to a cautious pace, but opened me to a hopeful view where I would like to think we can still progress as a nation and a people. It has been a day of big ideas, small changes, large changes, and shifts in paradigm. And ya know what...?
It looks just like every other day out there, only this one made certain things more visible than others. It's in our focus and our willingness to express and respect what happens around us that determines what actually happens with each day.
And so tomorrow I go in with a positive attitude to embark on what I hope to be one of the biggest life changing events I've yet to experience. I ask for your thoughts, prayers, good energies, and hopes that all starts down a path of success, while I toil away with the agony of patience and hope that in that agony is a wisdom that will lead to a better balance and more peace in mine and your lives. And in return I will send you mine..