Sometimes I really wonder how comfortable I have become with my own sexuality. There are days and in certain company that I feel open and just fine about it, at least in discussion. But something feels like I just haven't quiet fully come to acceptance of that part of my life.
I suspect a large part of it probably has to do with a lack of a romantic life of any kind. Now thats not a complaint, I've become very comfortable in the company of just me. I can come and go as I please and don't have to worry about how my actions would affect the person I care about. But there is a part of me that wants to worry about that. I really do want to get married someday. I'm just not convinced it will actually happen for me.
Who says we all get a mate? Sometimes our path is diverged from that.
So how then do I ever fully reconcile the emotional and physical aspects of who I know I am attracted to and all that goes with that, if its never put into practice.
I'm really not sure there is an answer to that.
Maybe someday some nice man will come along and sweep me off my feet. And hopefully I will see it for what it is, and be open to it, instead of the instant confusion/intense fear even the most casual of attention in that way seems to cause. I'm serious! The most casual attention (however rare) that happens...usually online... just confuses the hell out of me - and terrifies me. I don't know how to react, get nervous, and usually shut down and make for the nearest exit or failing that - make a "me" shaped hole in the wall as I burn rubber into the night.
So then, physical self image issues aside, how does one cope with an inability to reconcile their sexual/romantic self without practice and experience - while being terrified of the most remote interest shown in that direction?
I guess at some point I will just have to take that risk. And hope I can shout down the voice inside that says - they will just rob your house, they couldn't be interested in you, how do I make sure I am good enough for them....
I keep telling myself once I loose the weight, and get to a physically better place then I will be confident enough to actually risk it, risk my heart, and actually step out there instead of just talking about it or saying "this is it and that I'm going to do it", only to never actually do it.
I fear there is more baggage here than I want to see... And I just don't know where to begin.
For now I will continue down my path of spiritual exploration and discovery, enjoy my time with myself, spend time with friends, and stay as open as I can to the possibility that love might find me and that someone might actually be interested in this battered soul...
Until then - I'm gonna spend this two dollar bill (yeah I was really given one today, hence the title lol) on lunch. Ok well lunch tomorrow but still!
Oh and $5 foot longs for the whole menu, all but premium's, is back at Subway! w00t! Wish they did that all year!!!