For a lot of years I have suffered a few reoccurring dreams. Some good, some not.
The good ones are rare. And are often times very bitter sweet in their own way.
Usually they involve having found someone to spend my life with, someone who loves me truly and madly and whom I would gladly die for. In those dreams I get to spend months and years with them. Grow, love, and learn together. But they always end the same way... In the dream we lay down to sleep, with me in their arms feeling safe and as though nothing in the world could touch me.
Then I wake up...alone hugging a pillow.
Sometimes I am able to just enjoy the brief glimpse of a life not lived and the hope held there, other times its a very hard pill to swallow. I rarely get back to sleep afterwards.
And then there are my nightmares.
There is a single character that usually flows through them. One whom I can remember as far back as early childhood. The character has followed me through the years no matter my home, and has always reminded me I am not alone. But in this case I would prefer to be alone.
I've actually never shared this fully before, but from the time when I was little there was an incident where I saw someone and asked about them, except that there was no one there. And later I had dreams of flight around my crib and bed, and then the image of a giant oddly shaped rabbit that later turned into my father standing in the doorway checking on me.
Years later I was going through a photo album of my Grandmothers and saw a picture of my Dad with my Grandfather standing next to a large oddly shaped rabbit. Even after all those years I had no doubts that that was the one, and it scared me a great deal, because I had written it off to childhood weird dreams up till then. I am still unclear exactly what that one means.
Life even after that showed the occasional surprise. When we moved into the country things became quieter. And I was grateful for it. But still there was the occasional odd thing that would happen, but of course I never spoke of it, and don't want to in detail here either. At the time it was because I was sure people would think I was crazy, now its because those are private memories that I am still sorting and frankly I don't WANT to share them. Plus I still feel a vast number of people would thing me disturbed and crazy. I don't care quiet as much about that now as I once did. But it still is a stigma I prefer to avoid wearing too proudly.
When we moved back into the city things were still largely quiet but one of my dreams, that I still have today, began. I can still remember it clear as day; the dream was me being crushed by a truck that had slipped its parking break and me trying to keep it from hitting the house. It flashes to me asleep in my bed and a figure comes in to claim my life, and then proceeds to have me join it in taking that of my fathers. The end of the dream is the three of us standing over my mother. Smiling.
I was terrified to sleep for a long time after that one. And it still replays though with variations from time to time. Sometimes people left out sometimes the sequence is different. But the over all dream is the same, and so is the character that came to me in the dream.
Several moves later I still battle with that dream and a couple of others. But usually I am granted the grace of dealing with just one in a night... usually.
Call me crazy, call me a loon. Call me psychotic or whatever you need to say to make yourself feel better but I know what I believe and what I have experienced.
In my current home there are energies that surround and flow through here, stronger at times, but largely quiet. I truly believe that only those who are at least mildly sensitive and open to such things, such as myself, would pick up on it. Someone with more true ability certainly would.
While usually comforting and very amicable, sometimes these energies act as a fuel for me. Dreams that I once only had on rare occasion might come in rapid fire for several nights at a time. Sometimes they are things that haven't happened and later do, all usually minor mundane things that have little meaning other than a serious case of deja vu. Which happens to me a fair amount. Others are the good dreams of a possible future spent in love.
And, while open in this energy flow, sometimes the character who visited me in my youth reminds me that he has traveled with me. Though usually just with the single bad dream.
I am certain its more than just a dream with a common theme, because there have been waking hours that I have felt that identical presence, even if I couldn't point to it. I know it sounds nuts, but I know what I know and can't change that.
I have had a theory for some time that perhaps it is someone from a past life. Someone who either is trying to warn me or remind me of events of my past or possible future, or that they are someone who simply delights in causing grief, not harm, but grief.
Last night was not one of those single bad dream nights. I woke numerous times fighting the sheets, and sweating like I was in battle for my life, and in the dream I was. The character of my haunts was there each time. Sometimes a participant, sometimes a bystander, but always there. Even in the dreams where my own death occurred. These are the dreams that often haunt me the most in my waking hours because they are the most disturbing.
It's unnatural to see one's own death in a myriad of ways and to live through it to remember the pain and betrayal, the agony and torment, the sadness and despair.
I only hope that tonight is a quieter night. I am so tired that all I want is to sleep peacefully, but I am also very nervous about going back to that state of mind.
I know that I am NOT afraid of it. Once I am awake and back to reality the fear is gone, and I am left with just being disturbed and concerned for possible meanings in the content. But the fear is not there.
I do not believe that true and actual harm is intended, or asked for, whatever the case may be. But simply that its either a warning of a possible happening somewhere down my path, or its a reflection of something from my past that is trying to break through the veil. Neither are cheerful thoughts.
And so I seek to find all of the light and positive energy I can, to take it in and build myself up mind, body, and soul. Energy to take with me as a shield and as a support for when I must delve through the mysteries of the unknown realms.
Today two people specifically reached out to me. And their timing couldn't have been better. I truly believe those who are meant to be in our lives show up when they are needed most and not until then. And I am grateful for it.
I hope for a night of peaceful sleep. Instead of the constant and repeated night terrors of last night and the night before.
I need a clear head to handle the challenges of my upcoming decisions on how best to proceed financially with my surgery goals as well as finances in general. I also will need that clear head to ensure I am handling social issues correctly as well, both professional and personal.
And so for tonight I bid you farewell, may peace and light fill you and guide you.