This has been one of the more personally trying weeks that I can remember. First I spend two nights in perpetual nightmares watching the various ways of dying, being attacked, or having love torn from me...

And today my hopes of finally once and for all resolving my weight issues all fell apart. My employer, who thinks all weight loss medical assistance is cosmetic and that there is no health benefit, has so specifically denounced insurance coverage for bariatric surgery that consults are not covered, and there are no course for appeals.

Add to that, my Mass Health Saftey Net adding an exclusion as well, and now the worst case scenario of 7,000.00 to 8,000.00 being my responsibility has turned into the full cost. $45,000.00+.

Plan's A and B destroyed in one motion. Plan C is still sketchy and even less likely to happen.

I have done the weight watchers thing for going on 3 years now. I lost 76lbs in year one, and gained 91lbs in year two. Year three has seen a loss of about 11lbs.

And as much as I love Subway and so on - I just can't eat only that for the rest of my life. The food options out there are OK for diet food, but diet food just isn't good compared to real food.

Can you imagine living your entire life on lean pockets and subway? Yeah neither can I... There are all these recipes and even the simple ones are damned complicated to me. And who has the money for all these fancy good for you foods?

Why tha hell are they so expensive and the stuff thats not good for you so cheap?

I had so much hope for my future tied up in this surgery, so much hope to finally be a normal person who goes and does things that other people do. To go shopping in person, to go out to a night club and DANCE, to just get out and go do whatever.

I was so looking forward to getting to do some outdoors kinds of things, of being able to have more clothes that are nice and not just whatever I can afford that fits. I couldn't wait for the feeling of hopping in a car and just fitting and not squeezing in. To walk into a room or go to a concert and sit in a regular seat without having to ask for special treatment or seating.I couldn't wait to be able to go to the movies and not feel like a whale flopped on a ramp.

I couldn't wait to be able to walk in public and not have kids and rude people stare, make comments, and laugh.

And now all that hope has fallen to shreds, my faith of things working out long dead. My motivation to even give a damn has been shaken to its core. And I feel like I have let so many other people down besides myself. People who love me and want to see me happy and healthy, and now I just don't know how to get there.

I hate being fat, I hate the way I look, I hate the way it feels,I hate the isolation that it brings on and the shame I can't help but carry in each and every day of my life. My brightest moments have all been dimmed by my stupid weight.

I want nothing more than to just be a normal healthy size, to have a normal life, and maybe find someone to share it with... and none of that exists.

I hear things like, why don't you just get out more, go do things... I CAN'T GOD DAMN IT! I CAN'T FUCKING STAND FOR MORE THAN 10 MINUTES, I CAN'T BE SURE THAT THE CHAIR WILL FIT OR SUPPORT ME, I CAN'T STAND BEING THE FAT FUCK IN THE CORNER THAT GETS TALKED ABOUT! I JUST CAN'T!!!

I am so sick of fighting to loose the weight, of fighting with my damn demons that push me past temptation. I've gone past the energy reserves to withstand the self loathing and torment.

I found spiritual peace, and I hope that it will guide me through this, but my physical and emotional peace have been shot to hell for a lot of years now. And every time I think I am doing better or getting somewhere... something happens.

I can't spend the rest of my life like this, but there seem to be no real solutions. I feel like I am being punished for something I never did...

I have the support of some truly wonderful people who are urging me not to give up.. to keep at it....keep trying... and I am thankful for them and that they have not given up on me... but I honestly don't see the point right now.. I wish that I did.. I truly do...

I'm just so very very tired... I've obliterated my stamina just getting through this day without crying until now, I've gone on this roller coaster so many frakin times that I can't stand it anymore.

Ma' Universe,

If your out there... please tell me why? Please tell me what is next! What have I done that was so wrong.. what will it take to finally break free of this?

What could I possibly have done to deserve this?

Yours,

DB