Yesterday still hurts. Yesterday still makes me want to cry. So much hope, so many desires seemingly all shot to pieces in 3 quick phone calls.
I'm still upset, and frustrated. I'm angry with the pinheads who determined exclusion of such an all encompassing benefit as not merit worthy. I'm upset that some stockholder somewhere didn't stand up and say, "WTF?! You need to carry that coverage. Do you realize how much money you would save, how much improvement in someone's life you can be apart of?"
Tomorrow I will be calling the financial dept of the local hospital to see if there are ANY other alternatives that might facilitate my goals. But tonight... tonight I am trying with all my might, and with all the love and support of my friends and family to pull out of the nose dive/free fall that I have been in since yesterday.
I think that now more than ever I am the most terrified I have ever been of my health. For a very long time I always felt like I had that option that was just a matter of time till I could make it a reality, years of trying....and hope that it would eventually come true.
I'm NOT giving up.
I've simply got to find the strength to press on in this battle. To find a way to reverse the slow "suicide by food" path I've been on for so many years. Once and for all.
I still feel like a ghost in the night, slipping through shadows. Here but not really apart of the world at the moment. Lost and going through the motions. But searching, always searching.. that thing to bring me back to the so called "living" world.
Not just merely putting it in the bottle and closing the lid but letting the sadness go so that happiness might take its place.
Of habit more than desire, I went to my weekly weigh in at Weight Watchers... I stayed the same. The nice ladies there were encouraging and wanted to talk, but somehow I could only bring a few words... as though the energy to even speak was more than I could bare. Thankful though I was that it wasn't a gain, I'm not sure that news would have been very good to hear. Besides for the obvious reason.
So I sit here tonight, throat sore from a primal scream session earlier in the day while out driving, watching the snow pour down, and trying to figure out what next...
Mother nature is reminding me once again of just how quickly the whole world can change, how it can go from a cold dreary gray place to a peaceful, stunning pure blank slate to start over from.
The swirling storm of emotions that has been raging inside is starting to calm a bit.. to settle to just a hurricane of pain. The outskirts of ideas that are positive finally starting to push their way through.
It still feels like my entire world was taken out from under me, that everything I knew was shot to hell with an atom bomb. The pain and frustration just as raw as my throat... but maybe just a little less so.
The outpouring support from so many people has been staggering to be honest. In my mind I figured only one or two might even take notice.
And to those of you who took time from your life to reach out to mine, to reach into my heart and pour your care and support, to hold my head above water and dry my tears, to look my way with love and not judgment, to stand not over but beside me and say... you matter, you are loved, you will survive, and we will help... I just do not have the words that can express what that has meant and continues to mean to me.
By your grace and compassion, support and energy I feel like I might actually move past this. With each passing moment the shit storm seems less and less important, and the finding a way through it to new goals, new methods, new means- more and more the lifeline to cling to.
Depression, the likes of which I haven't felt in a very very long time, is still very present, but not the same way. That familiar hell, and familiar pain... seems as though its lost its focus a bit - to be sliding away rather than settling to stay.
All the things I said last night still apply, all the feelings, and words typed through tears still very real. But that it's some how OK. With the support of those around me far and near, my self loathing, overwhelming insecurities, and feelings of emotional limitations are a bit less. With that load lightened I can face the physical limitations a bit easier.
Maybe just maybe... I can one day, some year, bring myself to go out to a night club again, dance at home without fear of scaring the downstairs neighbors, to just walk down the street and not feel like huge blob of a ogre that the townspeople are staring at in shock and judgment.
Maybe someday I can look in a mirror and finally see the person that I see when I look inside my heart. Instead of the strangers shackled body that has looked back all these years.
Maybe someday I will have the courage to feel worthy enough to approach some handsome gentleman and start a conversation... instead of the desire to do so being shouted down inside telling me not to risk it, its pointless, how could anyone want to... if you can't love you, how can you expect anyone else to.
It's that same voice that leads me to shock so often when the kind and supportive people in my life reach out. For whatever reason, that always seems to startle me and confuse me at the idea that anyone could see worth and value here. I'm not sure I have ever really truly believed them. And I sometimes wonder if I do yet? Or if I am just accepting their words as a way to move forward...
I think back now to the couple of times that I can remember of someone hitting on me or showing me any kind of attention. The memory of thinking, "ok they have really been drinking a lot", or "are they trying to rob me", or "OK what do they really want?" The possibility of genuine interest just didn't exist, and honestly still doesn't feel like it can.
That kind of interest instantly makes me suspicious, the idea of a date or anything along those lines leads me to thoughts of not letting them near my home because they would probably just rob me blind and take advantage in someway awful. I don't know why I just can't seem to conceive of the possibility that someone could actually be interested in ME... I really don't. I wish that I could but it just doesn't seem to live in me.
It's the same reason that compliments confuse me and I loose my ability to articulate genuine appreciation to those who have taken that time. I just can't seem to wrap my head around it.
So here I sit, baring my soul to the internet void... wondering what the point is... Where am I going with this? Looking outside and watching the snow fall down, blanketing the land with a whole new look... I wonder... is it possible that there really is a change inside of me that can bring me to a place of true and complete self acceptance?
Or will I forever be doomed to stand and just imagine what its like to have a relationship of love, never accepting that there is the least bit of worth that would delude someone into looking to me for such an existence. That option just seems genuinely absurd.
No matter the love lorn or the emotional turmoil, I MUST find a way to bring health into my life. To create a plan with real merit and plausibility. A plan that can actually happen and not leave me a smoldering heap once more.
Letting go once more I look back to the flow of life and leap back into the stream of the living, drawing in the energy to survive and let it lead me where I need to be. Looking back to Ma' Universe and saying "I'm sorry for my doubt in you. Please guide me. Where do I go next?"
Together with weight watchers, a nutritionist to be named later, and my primary care doctor I hope to build some sort of real plan, something I can live with. Something that doesn't rely on Marie Calendar meals and Subway sammies. I want to be able to find a plan that really works and to build a local and non local support system for when I am truly having my weakest moments.
And most of all I want... NEED... to rebuild my energy. To kick the pilot light back on and let it guide me back to my good humored self. The one that can walk into a situation and deflect the negative and bask in the positive. I'm so tired of the me that just drinks in the negative like a black hole until I'm drowning in it and struggling to find the desire to give a damn.
There are a lot of years of pent up emotions and depressions that have been held in check with a tight pressure seal that sometimes leaks (see the moments of outburst from yesterdays post). And I have to find a way to deal with them once and for all.
Along with that team of nutritionist, pcp, weight watchers, and support group... I think its time I swallowed my pride and reach back out to a therapist and try and give it a more dedicated and real shot. While I feel like I have made some great strides in helping myself and finding in me an inner peace there is still a lot of road to travel and an impartial companion couldn't hurt.
And so the load a little lighter, the storm a little softer, I'm going to go get cleaned up - find a little dinner, and ENJOY a bit of time with myself and a good book, game, tv, or something.