**The following is a soul scream. Something that must be let out. A pressure valve released, nothing more, nothing less. Words that must go somewhere and be heard. Words that I know may disturb. I apologize, I know its over-share. But to move forward I must leave them here.**
"Demon Days sometimes say "I'm owed a soul today." Most days I say "I cannot pay", but some I admit I'm ready to pay-but it is not mine to give."
Words that hit me while driving today. Words that struck my soul full in the face. Words I've heard and never known, years - days - hours on end.
Most days the wall stands firm, most days the wall stands tall. Most days I can be the normal Man I am. Most Days I just fight the fall.
Energy abound, life flowing free. Spirits guide us, their light sets us free. Listening I walk, Listening I hope. Listening I learn - and find I'm still so far from hope.
Mine is not mine to give, were it that, I would have paid full long ago.
Despite some belief, I do not want this road, I do not want this destination. And so the walls build firmer, higher, farther...
Steel, cement, mortar, stone, bolt, rivet, blood, bone, and tears. All which make up the wall that stands to hold my norm.
A speck of sand, a single fleck, its all that flies and takes down the wall.
The wall, like a damn, holding the people out and the pain in. Preventing a flood of emotion agony truth from within from becoming the truth without.
And with the forgers of steel, masons of stone, its built with precision and strength of no doubt. But still that sand, that single speck of sand... can take down miles worth of wall.
Nothing but fear, pain, and unknown to hold back the flow.
I wonder why it so hard to stand up day after day. To stand up and say I am worth it this day. The words ring out, but hollow too. A new found faith all that stands to hold me to you.
Decisions that falter, decisions so poor. Knowing the right thing and doing... very different things.
I asked myself today - why do I continue to fail with health and well being... and the answer my soul shouts back has left my ears ringing.
I see the healthy, the strong and fit. Those who share life and love, those who share deep friendship beyond words. The lithe and mobile and all their promise of opportunity still. And I hate them for it. It reminds me still. Mine is a life of solitude, of stillness. No matter the lies I try to convince myself of. I know that my life will not be of love.
My family, my friends, my soul is theirs. They are the keepers of the balance of my account. Trusted to their hands what I can't trust to mine. 900 miles and still its not mine.
Dreams that haunt, dreams that tease. I see futures that will not come to be. Futures of love, of life healthy happy. Futures of slender life spent. Some have nightmares when they sleep, I have them when I wake. In the mirror, in the closet, in the hallway, in the eyes of all those who see my not so secret shame.
No matter my efforts I still come up the same. The reasons of failure stand just the same. Worth. Worth. Worth.
Freedom not felt, freedom not won. Freedom not earned, freedom ...
"The demon days they come. They demand their balance paid. Most days I shout I cannot, will not, pay today! But some days they come, and some days I stand... Looking with broken eyes, body, soul.. and Say I'm ready - please take payment in full. With sneer and derision the demon shouts back, you've got nothing to give. Yours is not yours, it belongs to others still. Come back on the day that you've found the balance owed. Stay in pain the days until..."