Tonight I let it slip that there is a life event coming up for me soon. One that I actually would prefer to ignore entirely. I was doing rather well at keeping my mouth shut too... but it slipped out in a round about way.

While I appreciate the sentiments from friends and family, for some reason my instincts are screaming at me to pretend its not happening.

And tonight I received an offer of an evening out that sounds quite nice actually, though I'm not sure I really want to celebrate. Part of me says "yes just go and enjoy", but another part of me says to "go with the plan of just sleeping through the whole event and hoping it passes by unnoticed".

Is it bad that I feel like I am contemplating turning down likely the only plans that will come my way for this particular event on its actual day? I feel bad about it actually.

I really don't know what to do. I know that it would be good for me, and far better emotionally than the plans I have currently which is to sleep. But the last many years I've just not been one to celebrate this particular thing anymore. I don't find joy in it. In fact quiet the opposite.

I appreciate the thoughts sent my way for it. I really do. But the event itself really just .... meh ...sigh...

I guess I'm feeling more than a little melancholy about it. And the stress of the unavoidable inevitable passing is wearing me out. I really wish I could just ignore it and move on. But it gnaws at me. Another life marker showing the signs of time passed with so few goals in my life truly realized.

I noted the other day that so many of my old friends have new names....yet mine has stayed the same... I try and try to tell myself and those around me that I've given up and that I'm better off on my own. But while some part of me DOES believe that, there is a larger part that can't seem to make that leap. I hear that its best to let it go and move on - that thats when it will happen... but I just can't.

And part of it, I know, goes back to the very isolationist instincts I am fighting, with the offer of being taken out by my co-workers. I really do need to get out more I know that. I guess there is a powerful part of myself that no matter how much progress I have made I still haven't convinced this aspect of me that I am worth the effort. This part still believes and holds dominion that I am not good enough to deserve it.

And more over that I have really nothing to offer anyone in a relationship... as in a RELATIONSHIP... so why bother risking falling in love with someone that I know I will only hurt and frustrate. They deserve much better, whoever they are.

Thats a lot of pressure to put on a night out with co-workers. And I shouldn't... my sense of logic tells me that, I just wish I could make the rest of me accept that too...

Add on top of that my own insecurities and I just don't know what to do with myself. I just become a bundle of self pity and sadness that is both depressed and depressing.

I really don't know what to do. I just don't...

I don't want to say no and not be offered an opportunity again for another 4 years, but at the same time I don't ...........

ahhhhhh HELL.. I give up on this post... it's just frustrating and depressing...

night y'all...

DB