I have spent so much time working and trying to find the inner positive light and nurturing it. It has been a real challenge at times. And especially when I am facing an event that I wish I could ignore it becomes even more of a challenge.

I face so much of my own insecurities and issues with self loathing for an entire myriad of reasons... that it astounds me still that there are people around me that act so nice in one aspect but who spend so much time cultivating negativity and aiming it my way even via the grape vine.

I could almost accept it as something to work on if the issues they claim actually existed. I don't say it out of arrogance, because I know there is a great deal I can always work on. But when there are things happening and your are convinced it comes from me to the exclusion of all others... just because you have decided I am some manipulative back stabbing heathen... well it chaffs.

I wonder sometimes if these individuals are looking in a mirror and can't accept what they see and instead decide to turn it on the nearest target that has been told on more than one occasion they are too nice for their own good (me).

In other instances there are those who decide they want to insult and air problems in the forms of jokes and jibes but then say just kidding.... I know when they are saying it and the issues they are claiming are hilarious to me because its all fabricated in their head, and in those dark places they believe them to be true.

I have nearly stopped joking or even talking to many of these individuals just because they give meaning to things where there is none. They can't grasp the concept of a joke being a joke without 77 layers of insult/rage/hostility/and manipulative meaning behind it.

Maybe my openness and honesty with people confounds them to the point that they are convinced that there has to be another motive involved.

I really wish I had a way to just open a window inside my mind so they could see that I really don't care about all the things they think I do, and that the motives just don't exist. Then they would see that the person they are interacting with is genuine even though they seem to be incapable of seeing it or accepting it. And realize I am fighting enough of my own demons without giving a damn about theirs.

I go do what I need to do in life, what is asked of me, and I move on. Simple as that.

And I would think there was something to these accusations but the simple fact is that I regularly encounter people who DON'T go to that extreme, and who tell me that I am right in my interpretations. That I in fact do not perpetrate the offenses.

I dunno maybe its just because it seems to be such a coincidental grouping or whatever. But I am sick to death of the constant attempts to throw the shadow of negativity at me for whatever reasons they are fabricating.

I guess it's going to come down to my having to just shut off totally to these people and give up on them entirely. One can only attempt to offer genuine kindness and jovial encounters so many times that after you are scorned for it for so long you just don't do it anymore.

I have probably vented far more than I should have here. But its MY frakkin blog and I will say what I want. If they/you don't like it... TAKE A FRAKKIN HIKE!

I have too much of my own crap to fight with in my own head just trying to make it day to day without your idiocy trying to push in.

That. Is. All. {Stop: Rant.yel}

DB