I am so damned tired of trying and failing in my own day to day battle with food.

I am sick of what I am eating, and really have no cravings for anything. I wish so desperately I could just skip eating all together. It sucks, it leads to guilt, fat, pain, discomfort, and scorn.

I try to have a light and airy conversation with people that understand the challenges, but the minute I mention that I don't like salad, all of the sudden I am looked at as though, "well thats your problem right there, you just need to eat salad!"

What! The! Frakk!

Do I look so stupid as to not have had that thought, that salad's WOULD be helpful?

No it's because they are disgusting vile creations.

I have tried and tried to find one I like, just one... none of the dressings are any good, though I'm sure if I found one - someone would say I need to use the other one because that one is going to kill me.

I detest salad. I detest raw vegetables. I can't handle crunchy things, the texture is awful. Cookies, bread, vegetables... none of it. It just becomes a crumbling mess in your mouth. One might as well chew tiny bits of eraser.

Yes I don't like many different veggies, but there are many I do like. It's not as though I sat down and made a list and said Nope I won't eat these, but I will eat those. It's whatever my taste buds have declared.

And I'm sorry, any food that fully kicks my gag reflex is not going to be eaten.

Same with nuts and seeds, only add to them the god awful burnt copper after taste they leave.

I just don't understand how ANYONE can stand to eat that crap. I joke about it needing to be cooked before its proper food.. try to just make the mood light and carry on, but I guess people take that as me being flip about it.

It's not.

There are so so many foods out there that if I could stand to eat them it would make the whole diet thing so much easier. I have tried over and over, and every time it has been just as awful as the time before that.

I used to think it was just skinny people that had no concept of being fat, of the mental, emotional, and physical issues that come with it and must be fought. But now I am finding more and more that there are those who DO know these things and have become so un-compassionate and judgmental about it...

When did becoming healthy become such a social thing that people are allowed to scorn and detest you, to talk down to you, to judge you as a weak and failed human when you struggle with this???

Maybe it has always been this way and I have just ignored or tolerated it up to this point.

But yes there is some weakness in it. A feeling of not being worth taking better care of, only perpetuated by the image in the mirror and the almost visceral hate that comes from society for it.

Truth be told, I'm not so sure that part of my eating habits aren't a way of slow suicide at times. That in not feeling like I am worth the air that I breathe I figure that maybe if I just eat shite then that will be one less day I have to be here wasting space.

Talk about the cowards way out....

To all those who want to judge me, you can frakking stop now. You could have stopped years ago.

I HATE how I look. I HATE how I feel. I HATE the diet I eat. I HATE the isolation that it brings.

I've given myself over to the fact that I will not have a love of my life, I will not know the physical love making pleasures of the rest of the world, and likely will never have that true first kiss born of love.

Your additions are just redundant and do NOTHING to help me to just survive one day to the next without finding the nearest ravine to drive the truck off into Thelma and Louise style. Instead it only serves to remind me of how much of a failure that I am.

I know I am. I don't need the extra reminder.

DB