I am terribly afraid that I am falling into a rut with the blog. I seem to be finding less and less with which to write about.
I suppose having covered the major and easy topics has lead me to the inevitable point of having to dig deeper, and look harder to find something worth talking about, however briefly.
There are several topics that I wouldn't mind writing about, but I wonder at their appropriateness... and honestly at the merit of discussing it.
But I am not giving up and I am going to keep trying to find things and the energy with which to write about. And so...
There are aspects of adult life that some people are just fine and dandy with discussing, likely because they have a healthy bit of experience and perspective on it. But for me it's still just kind of one of those abstract things. Where I know the mechanics, the ideas, the desires, and the normalcy of it all.
But without real experience... ya know the kind where a lucky audience member gets to participate... its all very... sad.
It's weird to write about such things and discuss it openly, especially when you know your mother and probably other parts of your family read your musings semi-regularly.
I have tried to maintain the philosophy that we are all adults, this is my space, and they are choosing to follow/read/keep up with, me. But at the same time I don't want to out and out offend either.
It's a very odd balance to figure out.
On the one hand I see nothing wrong with discussing it, even if I don't or do but come at it from a virgin perspective. And I don't mean just virgin as in sex, but as in mindset as well. Where for many it's just part of life, something that is great and so on, to me its just one of those things that exists in the world, but that I will likely never actually know or understand that level of integration into adult life.
I actually feel kind of like I have stalled out somewhere along the way with the transition to adult. In so many ways I am moving along just fine, but I still feel so kid like. I don't mean in that good way of feeling or acting young, but instead in that "yet to be developed" kind of way.
Like I have totally missed a step somewhere and its throwing the whole life process and personal growth plane off kilter...
I've never had that same drive that I hear about from so many young men (and women), never experienced that desperation that is depicted in life and in media. I have friends who claim they can't go 24 hours without a release of some kind, and I just marvel that it is that relevant to ANYONE.
Its just such a side note to me, an irrelevant brief distraction for only a moment.
There are so many things in my life that I feel so alone and so odd for.
My brain knows better, but my heart rarely listens. Even when I was dealing with coming to terms with my own sexuality I felt VERY alone, I knew that I wasn't... that helped but I still felt very alone. I feel that way in my weight struggles, my beliefs, my feelings on sex and lack of focus on that, the way I move through day to day life... etc...
I know I'm not alone, I know that truly. But knowing it and feeling it is very different. I still feel so very very naive about life/people and how varied and wonderful; wonderfully odd, people can be.
All I know fully, and not even that well much of the time, are my own feelings. They are the yardstick with which I measure the rest of the world.
One of us keeps falling short of the mark though...
I don't think its the world.