OK so its not huge, and I feel rather stupid for making any kind of statement about it, but instead of waiting and driving the letter to the post office today, I took the walk, about a half block, to the mailbox and back upstairs after taking down all the trash today.

OMG I thought my back was going to snap and my heart leap from my chest!! It's so frustrating to feel so fat and weak. Especially when I know I can be so much more than this.

I hate feeling like this, and feeling so limited. And at the same time I hate myself for my willpower issues especially when it comes to food, but also when it comes to just doing what I know I need to do.

Ex. cleaning the apartment or taking a small walk each day till I can take a longer walk.

I am still at the point now that it's pointless for me to even take my ipod with me on a walk because I would barely get through even one song before I would have to give up and find a place to sit.

I really want to get to a point where I can walk and be a person again. For two reasons - one for my trip home and what I hope to include a day at DollyWood, and more importantly just for me and my daily life and health.

Even if I never get skinny or to a truly healthy weight. I just want to be able to move again, to walk through a store without knowing I have a short time limit before I am going to have to give up. And by time limit I mean 10 minutes at the absolute extreme.

It's embarrassing and frustrating.

I'm 25+3 years old and I can't even walk from my car to my office on an entirely level surface without being so damned winded and sweating like I ran a mile to get there. Let alone just stand and move enough to do the things I need to do around home.

At one point I was down to close to 430lbs. And I felt amazing, I could walk for what felt like hours on end and no limit. I could do the things I wanted to do AND needed to do. And now I have gained 100lbs or more back bringing me to my highest weight ever.

And I know that if I want to shave after a shower I have to shower as fast as possible and allow enough time after shaving to sit for about 10 or 15 minutes before I can even go get dressed, just to let my back recover enough that I can do anything without the white hot flame firing out of my lower back.

I have bought some things that, while I guess are still not great for me, are a damn sight better than what I have been eating. Add with that a soon move to 3rd shift when fast food will be closed, I hopefully will be more able to limit the crap I eat just by circumstance as well.

It's funny though,  I mentioned an alternative snack I picked up (apples and peanut butter) and I thought I was doing soooo good with that option and change, away from greasy fast food and crap sweets etc, and one of the first things I heard when I mentioned this was, thats great.. BUT! don't over use the peanut butter.

I would have thought that even if I ate the whole jar with 4 apples that would still have been better than a triple whopper with cheese, mayo, mustard; large fry; large regular soda.

While I am not giving up on the idea... it's just so frustrating. Even my small steps are met with, "well thats good I guess but...."

And I know that they meant well, but still. Can't I have even a small self victory without a damn caveat next to it in the win column... ?

Sigh.. I feel at such a loss.

Weight Watchers was good for a while, but I got so burned out on the limitations. I can't cook, not meals, unless prepackaged.. I just don't have that gift, let alone the $$ and hardware required to cook anything of substance. I know so little of the other varieties, and with my texture limitations it just becomes all kinds of frustrating.

I have such kind people around me online and in person. But even they get exasperated with me when they offer suggestions and I have to look at them and say I can't do that, because of taste, texture, or knowing that the cooking involved will make it such that I would never make it.

I don't blame them one bit. I really don't, because the irritation that it causes in them is only a fraction of what I feel at the situation as well.

I'm sure that many view it as me not being willing to change, or being lazy, or whatever, but it is not that. Some is that I don't have the skill or self confidence to even approach much of the cooking crap. It's all so foreign to me.

I can't just walk down an isle and see one thing and go, "oh if I had this and that I could make this quick simple and delicious!" That skill/gift doesn't exist in me. Nor does the ability to just randomly throw things together and make a meal without detailed instructions.

And what I know so many perceive as an unwillingness to make changes in diet choices is aggravating and disappointing. The feelings that they express with their eyes at my resistance is obvious. But shared. I don't think many believe it when I say, I do like some veggies, but I have limitations, and that textures such as raw food are just a stop for me.

Which is one of the chief things that cuts salads off the list of options, no matter how much I truly WISH that they were an option. Something easy and obvious such as a salad... But the mere mouth full to chew and attempt to eat is not just unpleasant but literally causes my gag reflex to react, in a STRONG way.

I mean it truly is just one of those things that no matter how hard I try, its everything I can do to force myself to swallow the salad and not throw it right back up. It's such a vile  and disgusting textured meal with the  flavors often bland beyond belief, and the only real and strong flavors being just foul and awful. And those are the good points. The textures are just horrible.

I WISH I could eat salad. If there was some magic pill or something that made them suddenly not be horrific, I would take it in an instant.

So I am trying to make the little changes that I can without, hopefully, heading back down the food burnout path I went with Weight Watchers.

I am really trying to explore new things as I feel like I can. But it seems so slow and pointless..

I hate that I am so stuck with such texture and taste limitations. I wish there was a way to change the way my taste buds, and all that is related to such things, was wired. Make it so I detested the things that are so bad for me, and actually not only tolerated but loved the things that are good for me.

I see so many people that struggle with their weight, that actually like and enjoy the foods that are good for them, but that choose the other things that are bad. I wish I was one of them so much of the time, because then it WOULD be just a choice thing, and that can be changed.

Kind of like they are a large airplane, they can drive on the ground, even with some limitations, but can ALSO fly.

Me though, I'm stuck in a sedan with no wings and its damned hard to get it off the ground when its just not built for that. At least not without doing a Thelma and Louise...

Sigh...

I had a discussion last night with a friend, who was telling me not to loose hope, to hang in there and not give up. But honestly so much of  the time the only hope I feel like I have left is a hope that the massive heart attack headed my way will just kill me fast and not leave me to survive and struggle or drag it out in such a way that I am a burden. At least no more than I already am.

I know it's not a healthy thought, but it is what it is. And frankly the "grand exit" thought happens at least once a day anymore. Even the slightest frustrations spark it in my brain. I feel like I am at my outer most tolerance level of frustrations of just living day to day that the little things are like huge boulders hurtling at me threatening to send me over the edge.

I try so hard to maintain a positive balance and energy in my life. I try so hard to resist the negative. And when I do it is a wonderful thing, but when I don't it is a fast and steep decent. One of the chief reasons I keep trying to resist and avoid the negativity SO much even to the detriment of some situations is because the pressure cooker just can't take anymore.

Not without consequences and requiring a target to aim the anger and self hatred at...

If I had one wish in this aspect of life, it would be for me to be able to better handle these situations and to be able to take back the anger I have spewed at people. It was not meant for them but for myself, they just were in the wrong place at the wrong time, even with their well meaning intentions.

I spend so much time trying to shed the negative energy that seems to far over produce within, that even the mildest additions from others is too much.

I'm not saying I wish I were coddled but, I just wish there was a way for someone to experience and fully understand it truly from my point of view and then be able to approach me with that knowledge and perspective. To know that each day I am here and alive has been a choice. Where so many think it a choice to make that "grand exit" for me it is a choice every day not to. Like I am wired backwards. As in that I have to choose and decide not to do what my heart, soul, and mind scream at me to do at least once a day if not more often.

I know I know... get help... sigh...

DB