I see so many people that seem to have such a grasp on this. As though it is simple second nature.
I'm assuming it's not.
I have been content with myself, but never loved myself. My worth has always been questionable in my eyes. Perhaps this is what others "see" as well. It would explain some of the reactions I get, and why they bother me so much.
I don't want to be seen the way I see myself. Not in the least. If I were, I would truly be a hated and ignored soul.
I have some wonderful people around me, people who care and ... love me. I hesitate even writing that. It took me a full moments pause to write it.
Because for me, I just can't fathom why...it has always been a mystery to me, and one I'm not sure I am able to believe - not truly. My brain processes it more often than not as people being polite.
I just can't seem to wrap my head around it...
I try to be the best friend that I can be, but frankly I don't feel like I am nearly up to what my friends deserve. I'm far too needy, self conscious, and frankly rather boring.
I have such a varied array of friends, who seem to enjoy so many things and have such wonderful hobbies that involve social gatherings etc. And I have an appreciation for each, or at least a respect. BUT... the things I like to do seem to be solitary to me. At least in person anyhow.
I'm not really sure why.
I recently made a formal apology that was long overdue for letting my own frustrations and self hatreds be expressed at someone who was undeserving. And the response I got back, I was just stunned. The kindness and truth in the words... It took me forever to read it because I kept crying during it.
It was as though they were seeing such a protected part of me, a part I have locked away from myself. A part that I can't even face because:
A. I don't know how.
B. I'm ashamed of how I have treated it.
C. It just hurts too much.
I have heard numerous times that I must first love myself. Only then will true love find me. I have also pondered why it is that I find myself only attracted to those who would NEVER have anything to do with me. At least if I were them, I wouldn't.
A startling answer was shown to me today from another friend: "so no one can hurt you".
I had never really considered that.
There was once a point, even before I had fully accepted my sexuality (assuming I have even made it a 1/4 of the way to that actually happening) but that I felt confident. Perhaps it was the arrogance of youth? And I had a relationship. It was the last relationship I have ever had.
That was 10 years ago.
I was being used, and it ended badly. I broke up with them and tore myself up afraid of the pain I was causing someone else. I was destroyed for weeks after that. I shouldn't have been. They were just using me for transport and money. I meant nothing to them.
I've not opened my heart since then.
I'm not sure I ever will be able to again. Not fully. Not even to myself. And thats not fair to anyone that might stumble into a relationship with me. I don't think its fair to my friends either.
Which brings me back to my confusion at their care and concern.
I have questioned more than once why I even bother with writing in this landscape. I keep coming back to the conclusion that I am trying to convince myself that I am relevant and that by approaching with a "no censorship, open book style" it might be interesting to someone.
Kind of how train wrecks are interesting.
I find myself writing for me, and not anyone else. Because in my opinion there are far more deserving and interesting places to go and read. Certainly far more worthy authors out there.
I'm not sure I will ever love myself the way so many people do. I'm fairly certain that I am not capable of it. I can't stand so much about myself that it becomes such a daily struggle to just stand being myself around me.
Enough of this... I'm just being selfish. There are far more important people out there with far more important issues. I'm just one person of little real consequence in this world.
Time to shut up about this nonsense for now.