And I love it.
I am such an emotional eater and food is an event to me. I enjoy the meal and look forward to the flavors.. But food is my total enemy. I really wish I could get my brain to accept it as just a fuel and to ignore all the rest.
With food I just get fatter, and the fatter I get the more pain and discomfort I have. Walking...sitting... laying... all of it. And even driving now is becoming more of a pain.
I WANT to get up and move and do things, I really do, but my body won't let me.. and I get frustrated. And when I get frustrated all I can think is, "fuck it there is one joy and thing I still enjoy and that is food and its flavors."
I've no sex life, I have no love life, I've no active life, my real world social life is just barely on life support, and if I follow my normal patterns this latest burst of socializing will end shortly as I finish re-isolating myself for the next 6 months. I can't even enjoy just a nice long walk down the street and back. And so I go to the one thing I can do... eat.
I hate food.
If I could figure out how to not pass out, get shaky, not get headaches, and just generally exist off a multi-vitamin.. I would totally just stop eating. I am so over it. And every meal just makes me feel guilty and worse.
I want to have the surgery I need, but can't afford. But unless insurance ever covers it, I know thats just never going to happen. So I don't know why I even distract myself with it.
Today I have just felt even more bloated and fat than normal, emotionally I am just beyond frustrated... I am so sick of dealing with it, day after day after day after day after day...
All I see is someone who could be something, who could do so much and who wants to do so much, but is just a complete failure, who is just going to eventually die of this fattness. In one way or another.
All I want is to live a normal life, to go about day to day things like everyone else. But nothing is normal, its all a challenge - going to run into a store for something has to be limited to a single item, fast as I can and pray there are no delays and that I get a close parking spot... otherwise I can't do it.
Leisurely shopping trips in person just to wander around a store... I just can't do it, not unless I want an electric cart. And honestly I think I would rather just take a swan dive off the tallest building I could find rather than do that. I don't want to be the 28yr old virgin who is so fat he can't even walk to do his own shopping. The guy that is almost totally shut in except for the required stuff, and even that is such a test to just do...
I had made so much progress, lost almost 75 pounds, and I felt like such a totally different wonderful person. I could go and do and be... I could just wander around a store if I wanted...
And no matter how much I want to HOPE that I am wrong and that I will make an improvement, I just don't believe I will ever enjoy that feeling again. Without that feeling what is there left, but to become that news story where they have to take down a wall to get me out when I finally am so big that I have to go on Oprah to be laughed at by the nation.
Today I got out of the truck at work and there was a car of younger people waiting on someone in the next space. They all went SILENT as soon as I got out.. and as I had to readjust my shorts so that they weren't crawled up my inner thighs (at least till I took 3 steps) All I heard was a smart comment and laughter...
I wanted to just cry. To just sit down and give up.
I have totally become the fat guy that people just point and laugh at. And if I can't see something worth loving in here no matter how much I try and want to, and if I am at such a point that I can't do even the most basic things, then add that people are just pointing and laughing as I make my spiral further into hell and depression... what is the point... and who in their right mind would ever love me the way I've ever only dreamed of being loved.
Family and friends love is one thing, but the big LOVE.. thats something very much more. I think... I've never known it, I've never been kissed not in a way that counted, not since I've come out. Not from love. I'm 28. All I can do is long for the imagining of an idea of love that I have.. knowing that in reality it's likely never ever going to happen. And even though I have somewhat accepted that.. it still hurts.
It hurts in a way that I can't begin to describe... Such a spiritual soul ripping pain that just is so much more than my human body and mind can even comprehend at once.
What's the point.. honestly..
At this point I am living for my family, and my closest friends. There is no living for me, or life for me in this. No matter how much I look and how much I try, I just can't find enough here to say its my life for me.
It's very much like I am just killing time in a pointless cycle of moving through the motions. Waiting for something to happen. Waiting for this cycle to just be over so I can just be done.
Where is my next distraction?
What a depressing blog this is... It sure shows a light on how disturbed I truly am and how far from balance I am. I don't mean this one post, I mean the whole web page.. what a depressing sad sack I have become.. when did this happen?