Life is full of little adjustments, minor course corrections, sometimes major lane changes, and just general amounts of change.
Sometimes it is odd the moments and methods of change that we observe, sometimes it is overdue, and sometimes just impulsive.But change is the one constant in virtually ever part of our lives. And the funny thing is that as much as we may resist change and be creatures of habit, its when things become stagnate and change ceases that we get into the most trouble. You see change doesn't just stop, if you cease allowing and embracing it, it just sort of builds up like water behind a damn until it becomes too much and something major happens in a most unpleasant way. It can be an over due confrontation that was made worse but not addressing the issue before it became such a major problem, or a physical reaction to not making the changes and doing what is needed to maintain.
That last one there I know all too well. And for all the knowledge and logic behind it, it is the one I keep having the most trouble actually living up to.
It seems like I am really good at knowing what I need to do, and at making great pronouncements, but when I need to actually follow through on it.. well thats where things get fuzzy. And I really wish I knew why, and how to fix it. Because it just frustrates the hell out of me. I get so angry with myself it's just not even funny anymore.
I guess it's no wonder I have such self confidence issues and trouble with liking myself. Would you like someone who keeps doing things that are directly affecting your life in a negative way, especially your health? And the funny thing is that I keep hearing that I should love myself enough to make the changes I need to. That once I do feel that way then the changes are easy to make.
That's a helluva leap really... I hate what I am doing to myself, and what I am becoming. It scares the hell out of me, but I can't seem to find the brakes on this damn ride either. I just seem to be spinning out of control down a congested highway with no breaks, in one of those Toyota one way kinda cars and the power steering is out. And just by luck I've not slammed into someone. But the odds are stacked against me, and that luck is not going to last.
And for all that knowledge, when it comes down to it... I just can't seem to get there. It's infuriating and embarrassing as hell. I hate going to the doctor - not because he is the doctor and the usual reasons I imagine many people feel that way over, but because I am just embarrassed for someone who is educated and who knows what this is to see me.
Today when I went to the chiropractor, as usual he had me take my shirt off and then at one point took me out to use a machine to stimulate and work some muscles but I was shirtless in relative public. It was just humiliating. I mean the staff was very professional and kind. I couldn't have asked for better people to have been there. But.. I really just wanted to die right there.
The idea of anyone seeing me without a shirt just really and honestly makes me want to cry most of the time. I guess that's another reason that I don't pursue any options of a love life, because heaven forbid it became something physical. I just don't think I could bring myself to let anyone see me that way.
Maybe its a matter of trust or whatever, but I just don't see me ever being able to be close to anyone like that as long as I look the way I do. It's just too humiliating.
Change is a constant and a required thing in life. I just wish I knew how to make this crucial change and make it stick.