Facing reality is one of the hardest things we can do.

I had to face it head on today when after just doing a couple of EXTREMELY mild things with the truck and washing the windows I was at a near asthma attack and sweating with heart pounding so hard that I thought for a moment that I really was going to hit the deck.

Something that should have at worst just made me sweat a lot, given it was 85 degrees and in direct sunlight.I had really wanted to make a trip to DollyWood while I was in TN in the next few weeks, I haven’t been in a really long time and was anxious to go. But now… after barely making it back into my apartment and having to sit, read as collapse on the couch in front of the air conditioner for no less than 30 minutes just to recover enough to sit up…

I just don’t think DollyWood is a reasonable expectation anymore. I am still hopeful that I might feel better by then. But doubtful.

So there I lay sprawled onto the couch just trying to start breathing normal, shaking, heaving, dizzy, and in pain. It’s times like this that I really get nervous about my living situation. How long before someone were to miss or find me?

I really hate feeling like this. And today just drove it home even more so how fat and how horrifyingly bad shape I’m in. I mean I had no delusions of thinking I was remotely fit, but I guess I’ve just finally hit that point where I can’t just keep moving as though things are semi OK as long as I can keep moving.

Because I just can’t keep moving anymore…

Desperately I’ve got to drop some weight and FAST.

It has nothing to with looks, but just so that I can manage to even remotely live a basic life day to day. And more so, just so I can live.

This is a scary bad place I’m in. And I’m not sure I trust myself to stick to what I need to do to survive it??

Dear Ma’ Universe,

Please grant me the serenity and strength to make the changes that I need to make. Help me to find the stamina to survive this and provide me a light to the path to put my body, mind, and soul back on the path that I truly belong on.

Help me to open myself to the energies that will sustain me and guide me to my healthier place. Please show me the energies to deflect and allow me to not succumb to my temptations.

Guide me to learn the difference between my better angles and my destructive demons, and to make the right choices between the two.

Help me to find the light within to love myself enough to banish the self hatred and to actually believe and feel with my heart and soul that I really am worth it. That those are more than just words, they are the breath that keeps life worth living.