I really don't have much to say right now. It's been one of those weeks that my mind still just hasn't been able to process it all.
I feel like I'm moving through the motions, there is reason behind them, that slowly I'm moving forward again; coming back to life. But in such small small ways that I question is authenticity.
For a full day, well two days honestly, I was just lost in my head. In a state something like shock. Even while doing things, going places, shopping in the store... I was only fractionally there in that moment. The rest of me was somewhere else. Remembering, reliving, and trying to pull me back together. I guess ever since Monday I've just been on autopilot, just moving through the days.
Tuesday I slept the entire day, almost literally. I did not get up until it was Wednesday. 20 hours later.
And tonight I go back to work. I really don't want to. But then there is no point in staying home either. Not and just stare at the walls. I really only fear that the emotions might come rushing to the surface either in tears or in sadness turned inside out into anger at the wrong moment.
I've felt this more deeply than I would have thought possible. And I can't explain it properly. Just going to keep moving, remembering the little words such as "go - breathe - stop - stand - sit - breathe - go."
In just about a week and a half I will have his ashes home with me. I hope that it helps somehow, just having him back in his home.