Sometimes the walls come tumbling down. The intricately constructed barriers that support and contain the self loathing, the self hatred, the shame, the hopelessness, the exhaustion with enduring…. They just become brittle and shatter.
And when that happens, it all comes crashing down. The oceans converge, and a tsunami of despair overtakes the small island of peace and deliverance from the negative. The soul is cut to shreds by a thousand hateful shards.
The shame of living a life that yearns to be its own but doesn’t have the confidence to take it.
The shame of feeling that to be who and what I am, down to my bones, means I’m somehow defective and wrong.
The shame of seeing a body that is disgusting and cause of daily pain and limitation.
The shame of knowing that no matter how much I want to change it, to be better than, that I will fail… again.
Maybe not right away, but eventually. Because I always do.
I got a message that said “u have to start being more loving and affectionate to yourself! You’re the most important person in ur life!” It’s a good message, and meant well. But what does it say that such a disaster of a person is the most important person? That the person who looks in the mirror and just sees failure, isolation, shame, fear, anger, exhaustion… is the most important.
I’m failing not just me, but my family and my friends. They deserve a much better me than I can give them… sometimes I wish they would all just write me off and be done. It would make things a helluva lot easier… And because of that sometimes the very love and acceptance I yearn for makes me rage against them, want to shove them away – to isolate and hide… because surely they must see that I don’t deserve it.
And they would be better off without the drama and worry about
“What’s he gonna do?”
“What’s he thinking?”
“Is he ok?”
I hate being the one that people worry about, whether it be my weight, my state of mind, or anything else. I hate it. How I wish I could be the person I was supposed to be. The successful, fit, always there when you need them, person…
It’s been 28 years now, and I can’t remember the last time I woke up thinking “thank god another day”… The only time I don’t wake up disappointed anymore is when Family or friends are staying with me, because I get to spend the day living in and through their light and energy.
My well has run dry, I’ve been living on borrowed energy for far too long, and the bill has become more than I will ever be able to pay.
I don’t have the time or the money to have the breakdown I feel.. So instead I just build the walls and hope they hold. Pray that they last another day. And when they do crumble as they always do… All I can do is tread the waves, and gasp for air to survive the storm till I can once again rebuild the walls and climb back to safety…
I’m just so tired that I can barely stand it anymore… The cycle is beyond old, the fear overwhelming, and the rage consuming. There’s a timer out there somewhere in the universe and it feels like the sand is running out, the attendant gone away – unavailable to flip the mechanism… I’m just so tired…
And I’m going to sleep. Good night…