In the last week I have rejoined weight watchers, begun to learn the new plan format. And am working on purging the rest of the crap food out of the house. And have replaced much of it with better food. Some of it even vegetables!!!!

*GASP*

I also went back to work after having had just about 3 weeks worth of days off... And what a return it was.

It seems that they people that should have known some things, didn't.  And the ones that did, well they weren't sharing with the others. In short about 70% of my job got automated, and we were left to twist in the wind from Thursday through at least this past Monday as to what we would be doing, if we were going to be downsized, if we were going to be disbanded, if we would be eliminated after this year, and so on...

And made to do so via word of mouth through the grape vine, at least till Monday. This equals a lot of stress, anxiety, fear, and outright anger....

Things are not really all that resolved at this point as best I can tell, but the one thing we were told is that no one was being let go.... Which anyone from a corporate america kinda job will know to read as, "no one is being let go...right now".

At any rate... It looks like I am staying put for the time being, at least for another year or so. I was seriously contemplating the possibility of a severance package that included paying for me to pack it up and move back to TN. I really do miss my family a lot. But I have made some great friends here that I would miss too... And I spent so so long dreaming and trying to escape TN. I just can't go back.

I know it would be nice to be close to my family again, to be able to see everyone more often and easily, but I also know how quickly all the old reasons for having wanted to escape TN would close back in oh so quickly. And I honestly don't think I could survive that.

And so on another no less serious note, I now know exactly my weight... 555.2lbs. This was my new start weight from Weight Watchers. The first time I started it a few years ago I was at 511.2 my then heaviest ever. I lost 76lbs, then started failing, and backsliding until now I have gained all of that back plus 44 more pounds, thats just over 125 pounds in about a 12-18 month time frame. It's no wonder my back hates me so.

I don't much blame it...

This feels like such an insurmountable task. To have done so well and failed before, and now having to start even further behind the curve. This is a life or death task that I MUST complete. But I just don't know how...

One of the things they say to focus on in Weight Watchers is not the total goal to loose, but the smaller goals along the way. For ex 5% or 10%. Which in my case is 55 pounds for 10%. Thats not such a small number for a goal. And is outright terrifying.

I've tried to start making the changes I need to make. I've failed in some huge ways already this week, but not every day. So I am going to have to take that as at least a partial victory.

I've got to get myself back to the point of tracking everything I eat again and with this whole new system they have rolled out it means I have to relearn even all of that once again just to be able to do so. To find the values of all the things that I had once had figured up and saved.

They even tell you this is not something you can do alone. And they are right. And I do have some great support online with friends and family and friends locally. But I am living alone and the day to day meals are all on me alone. It's times like these I really wish I didn't live alone and that I had someone here to sit down with me and just help me work through it, to team up and do it together closely, and to help quell the fears as they rise up.

I just had $200 worth of groceries delivered, and I swear it seems like I still have nothing to eat in there. I don't understand how this is possible. How do people afford to cook at home? It seems like it is about 6 times more expensive than just eating out. All the bits and parts of a recipe and it all costs 5-10 bucks a piece. A sub I can get at Subway for 5-7 bucks, would cost me almost 10 to do at home. I don't understand that. Is it that only people making 100k or more a year are allowed to cook?

I REALLY  want to do it this time, to succeed. I want to cook more and order less, but even with limiting spending on anything outside of the required, to find the money to cook with... it.. it just isn't there. I feel like either I am doing it all wrong or am just an idiot that doesn't get it.

It doesn't help either that when I go to look at these how to's and recipe's, there are so many terms that I just don't understand. I'm not a stupid person, I swear. But to me "poach" means to kill illegally or to steal wild game or some other possession that is not rightfully yours. It's not something you do to an egg. So how do you steal the egg if you already bought it legally from the store? Do I need to give it to someone and break into their home and take it back and it will magically transform it's consistency?

I realize that this means that poach has a totally other meaning. But I've no idea what it is. Yes I can look it up and move on. But that is just one of a million terms from cooking that I have no idea what it means. Why not just say what you want me to do with it explicitly, instead of inventing extra words to make it an exclusive club for rich people who can afford to cook only?

I don't trust me with all of this, I really don't. And I can't face another failure, emotionally or physically.

I'm sitting here right now watching this massive snowstorm pound our city and state. more than a foot of snow has already fallen and we are just halfway through. I am watching the powdery snow blow away having already more than half left the top of my truck. And I marvel at the beauty, and luck that it is one less thing I will have to exert to clear.

I love the snow I really do. I love watching it snow and driving in it, but the clearing away scares me. Because, with my weight and limitations on standing already.. the physical exertions of it and risks of heart events and so on... and my ever growing paranoia of falling... It just scares me.

What should take an average person 30 to 45 minutes to do at most will probably take me 90-120 minutes if I am lucky.

I'm 28 years old, in the prime of my life, and my prime sucks... If I don't loose this weight now, I will never be able to survive much past 40 or maybe 50.. not and live truly in anything resembling even my current pathetic excuse called living. I realize that I may not be able to walk stairs much longer, that I may not walk at all much longer, that it could take away my ability to work even at a desk, to take care of myself... It scares me to death. And I get overwhelmed so quickly in an instant.

The fear of failing at what I so need to do is scaring me from doing what I need to do, I feel almost paralyzed by it. That I can't move forward and refuse to move back.

It's been a stressful week. And I'm not ready for the next one. But it is coming without loosing any steam.

My dreams are simple, health, to be able to go through a day without needing a 4 hour nap, to walk to the mailbox and back, to be able to sit in my truck with my seat at a normal angle and be able to drive it. To be able to go out to a night club and dance if I want to or go to a concert all without having to wonder, will I be able to park close enough, will they have seats I can fit in, because without them I can't go.

I want to say I know my dreams will come true. But I don't know that for certain. And the uncertainty of everything in my life right now is terrifying.

DB