So I've just sat down and put the bare bones of next years budget together. Normally I've this done and a final* budget in place by July the previous year. But with my finances being such a shit show I've been putting it off further and further. Today it had to be done, at least to account for January.

And it is a completely and totally bleak black hole of failure. At this stage if I'm NOT allowed to file for bankruptcy, then I've no idea how I'm going to survive. There just isn't enough money to go around. And I fully expect National Grid to try and raise my budget plan amount again. I'm already paying $232.00 a month!

I just hope there are no major issues with the bankruptcy because, aside from loving my car, I need a reliable car that is safe and I fit in properly. I'm terrified that they will try to repo the car or something.

I've walked myself straight into a minefield with no map to get me safely back out.

So now I sit here nauseous, hungry, a headache, severely discouraged, and with no desire to do anything. I barely get out of bed most days, and then only because I have to in order to go to work or if I have to make a nature call. Anything other than that and it takes everything I have to get up. Even getting up for work is getting more and more difficult despite having no choice with it.

I keep trying to hold onto the little things and keep moving one step at a time, but it's getting harder and harder to take those steps, like I'm walking in quicksand that is swallowing up my legs and hope faster and faster...

I'm trapped, and so covered in guilt and shame that there's nothing I can do about it.