I'm just so tired.
I'm tired of the anxiety
I'm tired of the depression and loss of hope.
I'm tired of being reminded of the dreams I've long since given up on.
I'm tired of trying and trying to be hopeful and looking for the best and little things in life that make others happy yet leaves me in pain.
I'm tired of feeling like I'm making some sort of progress and falling flat on my face over and over.
I'm tired of trying to learn the lessons of life only to have them be of no use the rest of my life.
I'm tired of waking up and existing in pain.
I'm tired of going to sleep for peace and being chased by nightmares or dreams of happiness only to wake up and feel my soul get crushed more and more by reality.
I'm tired of seeing happiness for others and realizing it's something that's not part of my life.
I'm tired of thinking about everything every moment of the day.
I'm tired of being my own worst enemy and disappointing and hurting those around me who care and love me.
I'm tired of trying to figure out WHY people around me like me and love me.
I'm tired of feeling suspicious of kindness.
I'm tired of wishing I could find a way out that doesn't hurt the people I care about.
I'm tired of breathing and struggling to hold onto sanity to avoid causing discomfort to others when I continue to fall apart.
I’m tired of feeling worthless and knowing it’s true.
I'm tired of taking 1 step forward and 7 steps back no matter what I do.
I'm tired of being a burden.
I'm tired of being a source of concern and pain.
I'm tired of being me.
I'm tired of being awake.
I'm tired of continually failing at the most basic tasks of life.
I'm tired of pretending that I'm ok when everyday my heart is in agony and spending all of my energy holding the walls in place to hide the pain, shame, self loathing, and fear.
I'm tired of hiding it all behind facades of smiles and jokes, and practiced smiles and laughter.
I'm tired of being one person on the outside and a shattered soul on the inside.
I'm tired of being told I'm a disgrace as a gay man, as a man, as a non religious man.
I'm tired of not feeling like I'm the man I was meant to be.
I'm tired of feeling like I am constantly failing to meet the hopes and dreams my family had for me.
I'm tired of being a source of pain.
I'm tired of being alone, and knowing I'm supposed to be alone.
I'm tired of feeling like I'll never be enough, never be good enough, not feeling that
I can reach for love or companionship because I know that allowing someone that close will only hurt them and that when they leave it will destroy me.
I'm tired of wishing for love but wishing it would never come because I don't want to hurt someone/anyone.
I'm tired of knowing that my life has reached its peak and that nothing more is there.
I'm tired of failing.
I'm tired of crying.
I'm tired of losing.
I'm tired of dying.
I'm tired of waiting.
I'm tired of wounding.
I'm tired of causing guilt wherever I go.
I'm tired of feeling guilty about everything.
I'm tired of being happy for my friends who have found love while I'm also secretly hating them for having what I'll never have.
I'm tired of knowing the things I'll never have.
I'm just so very tired.
I just need peace.
I just need an ending.
I just need a moment of easy breath.
I just need a moment of self kindness that doesn't rip me apart the instant I think I might have found it.
Surely this much anguish and pain and exhaustion must have a stopping point.
Surely there must be a moment when the bottom of the deepest black hole my soul lives in will have a bottom where a person can stop sinking.
Surely I can find the courage to end the exhaustion.
Surely there's a way to find peace without shattering the peace around me.
A soul so shattered and damaged.
A soul so destroyed that hope is a four letter word.
A soul where love is a cruel joke laced with life is dripping with acid.
I'm just so tired and the fight is quickly leaving me.
I'm just so tired....